Congratulations Oblivious Detective!

Despite years working as a professional detective, checking out crime scenes and doing google searches to catch crooks committing heinous acts, you’re not the most observant lady in the world. So today when you come home and find your husband in bed with another man you’ll be shocked.

“What the hell, honey!” you’ll shout at him, hurling a vase at his head as he ducks and tries to put his pants on. His boyfriend will just sit there with a little smirk on his face. At one point the little shit will actually start laughing at you, you and your shock. But your husband won’t notice him. He’ll be so struck by your rage, your shock at finding him in bed with another man, that he won’t be able to look anywhere else.

“You really didn’t see this coming?” he’ll shout, one leg in his pants, one desperately flapping, seeking its hold. “Seriously?”

You’ll look at him, incredulous. “How could I have?!” you’ll shout back. He’ll shrug.

“When I called you Orlando?” He’ll have found the other pant leg by this point, and he’ll be pulling them up around his waist. “Or how about the time I bookmarked the men-seeking-men casual encounters section of Craiglist?”

“Didn’t they take that down?” you’ll shout back at him, and he’ll nod.

“Like, a year ago. This isn’t new!” he’ll shout, pointing to the smirking man whose mirth will be fast fading now. He’ll have noticed your gun, black and buckled into your belt.

“Jesus!” you’ll shout at him. “Get the fuck out!”

You’ll throw a lamp at his head and kick his shoes at him. Then you’ll thumb your piece, still in its holster on your hip. “Now,” you’ll mumble at him, pointing at him and his boy, who will now be rolling out of bed, his flaccid penis still wearing a condom. He won’t even bother to remove it as he pulls on his pants and scrambles for the door.

He’ll pause as he passes you by, as if he wanted to say sorry, but he won’t speak. He’ll just stop there for a moment, searching for some courage and finding nothing. Your husband will push him through the threshold and out into the street.

Once the two of them have left you’ll sit down in front of your computer with a bottle of wine and open up Lolcats. You’ll flip between that and Youtube, watching animal clips until your thoughts drift to your future. That’ll lead you to your bank account, where you’ll see a number of moderately sized withdrawls from your joint account over the last few weeks. Not enough to make a back-breaking impact, but enough that you should’ve noticed.

“Shit,” you’ll flatly intone to yourself as you grimace and look at your new bank balance, illustrating your husband’s long journey away from you, one he’s clearly been planning for some time, one that you would’ve seen coming if you were even kind of competent at your job.

Congratulations Oblivious Detective!