Congratulations Black Nerd!

You’re an endangered species. Not just because a sickening form of racism perpetrated by all parties demands that you’re an aberration. And not because there are sadly few of you in the grand scheme of both black and nerd culture.

No, you’re an endangered species because you just moved to Omaha, and if there’s one thing Omaha loves it’s White Supremacists. And if there’s one thing White Supremacists hate, it’s black people. If there are two things they hate it’s black people and nerds.

So today when you get out of your 1996 Toyota Camry, purchased used from an eco-friendly dealer in Seattle, and start unpacking boxes into the rent controlled apartment you plan on running your IT business out of you’ll almost immediately be accosted by a band of neo-Nazis who want to force you out of town.

They’ll arrive on motorcycles and in pickup trucks. One of them will ride a four-wheeler, which he’ll flip on a public street. He’ll be pinned beneath it and he’ll mutter “white power” as he lays there, bleeding out while his friends watch him and shake their heads.

“Nigger,” they’ll nonsensically mutter at his dying form.

“GIT ERRT!” they’ll shout at you from the street. You won’t hear them at first, you’ll be so busy assembling Ikea furniture and listening to MC Frontalot (yeah, you’re a stereotype kinda). But after their intolerance has been ignored for a full twenty minutes they’ll start throwing shit and you’ll notice right away when a rock crashes through your window.

“Oh, shit,” you’ll shout as it dents the Flaarke bookshelf you. “Shit, shit, shit.”

Your momma warned you about this. She told you “Gerald,” because that’s your name, “One day you’re gonna leave the west coast and you’ll find yourself surrounded by racists. Just be careful and call the cops right away. Ain’t no livin’ black hero who fought against racists and won.”

Shaking a little you’ll pull out your i-phone and dial 9-1-1. You’ll all but shout into it.

“Hello!”

“Yeah,” the woman on the other end, clearly also black but clearly not a nerd, will intone.

“I’d like to report a disturbance! A bunch of skinheads are trying to kill me!” you’ll scream at her.

“Uh uh!” she’ll shout back. Then she’ll get so many angry Omaha cops over there (most of whom will be black in an ironic twist of fate) to crack some racist-ass skulls that those good old boys will have their heads spin all the way back to confederate times.

Once the cops break up the crowd and the whole situation resolves you’ll call your momma and thank her for raising you right.

“If I’d gone with the lessons I’d learned from TV and video games I would’ve tried to fight all of those racists with a shotgun,” you’ll tell her.

“Yeah,” she’ll laugh into the phone. “You’d definitely be dead if you’d done that.”

Congratulations Black Nerd!