Congratulations on Starting Your Sweet New Government Job!

Today you’re beginning your work at a government agency which is actually really well known by almost everyone that we can’t recall the name of right now (it’s not a very sexy agency) and you’re really excited. You’ll practically skip off of the metro, down the boulevard and into the doors. You’ll slip your laptop out of its carrying case and slide it into the x-ray machine, then remove your shoes and place those on the belt behind it. You’ll smile and take a be-socked step forward into the metal detector, which will beep obligingly.

“Oops,” you’ll say to the marine, who will humorlessly hold out his hand for you to empty the various metallic contents of your pockets. You’ll hand him keys, your belt, your cell phone. You’ll even hand him your government ID. Then you’ll step through again to the blaring klaxon of the metal detector.

You’ll shrug at him and smile nervously. “No idea, sorry,” you’ll say. The marine will shake his head and direct you to the side, where he’ll pull out a wand and start moving it over your body.

It will hang in the air silently for the most part, sounding the curves of your body from its easy remove. It’ll skirt up and down leisurely, humming ominously, but you’ll still feel a twinge of calm as it sweeps along each of your appendages without issuing a sound. But it won’t last.

The wand will pass over your hip before it goes wild, beeping like mad. You’ll pat your thigh and find your pockets empty, your pulse racing. In all your excitement over entering this agency you forgot to tell them about the giant piece of metal you have in your hip from where that postal delivery truck hit you that one time.

“That’s my metal hip…” you’ll begin, but the marine won’t be listening. He’ll already be snapping a rubber glove around his hand, wiggling his fingers to make sure that it fits snugly.

“Try not to clench,” he’ll tell you, looking you in the eye as he slides his unlubricated hand into your rectum.

Twenty minutes later you’ll be clear of security, walking a little funny and a little bit less excited about analyzing Chinese newspapers for potential tactical weaknesses. But on the bright side, in a few more weeks you’ll stop being anally probed every time you enter the building. That’ll make the whole work experience a lot more pleasant.

Congratulations on Starting Your Sweet New Government Job!