Congratulations on Ruining Spiderman!

We all thought Sam Raimi did a pretty good hatchet job on the last Spiderman movie.  Adding more musical scenes than fight scenes, building the dumbest, most extravagant imaginable setpieces and stringing them together in a nonsensical plot that even the most diehard Spiderman fans couldn’t defend.  But it turns out that, nope, he didn’t quite pull it off and yep, people would still like to make a Spiderman movie.

Seeing this, you did what any good person would do: you up and ruined Spiderman as a film franchise.  Step one: you hired yourself as a director.  Excellent choice there.  John Carpenter’s Spiderman might’ve had some curve appeal, and Tyler Perry’s Spiderman would’ve been a box office smash.  Shit, with Tyler Perry playing Spiderman it would’ve been more than just a box office smash; it would’ve been a masterpiece.  You were the only person we could hire who was this capable of squandering on-screen chemistry and ham-handedly constructing action scenes out of flash cuts.

The next step was to hire an incredibly talented cast and crew, and then hand them the worst script ever.  Check there.

Step three was to direct Andrew Garfield to act like Ben Schwartz’s character Jean Ralfio from Parks and Recreation.  Once you stumbled upon that element of the film, you knew you were all set to absolutely destroy the Spiderman movie franchise that Universal had struggled so hard to retain.

But you done fucked up, son.  You forgot how dumb people are.  Your last name, Webb, and the overall handsomeness of everyone involved in the production, paired with the fact that people just don’t know what good movies are anymore meant that The Amazing Spiderman was a box office and critical success.  People praised Andrew Garfield’s handsomeness and the idea that Emma Stone might actually speak to a movie reviewer or viewer as two of the film’s strongest suits.

So now you’ve got to make another Spiderman movie.  You’ve already used up the best terribly stupid ideas like “lizard bombs” and “tattoo hunts.”  And Spiderman can’t get any more annoying, so you can’t make a plot centered around trying to develop his terribly established character.  So we recommend going the boring route: just have Spiderman shop for groceries for around ninety minutes.  Then have him fight the best Spiderman villain ever: Typhoid Mary.

We’re not entirely sure what she does, but we’ve got one word: tits.  And three more words: Scarlett Johansen’s tits.

We think you’ll do just fine.

Congratulations on Ruining Spiderman!

Congratulations on Not Really Impressing Anyone With Your Screenplay!

You’ve been working on this screenplay for months and months. It’s about a subject near and dear to your heart: being a guy who likes sports and doesn’t understand girls with a moderately well paying job with a boss you don’t really like. It’s about learning that girls are sometimes worth sacrificing things you usually like, like sports, so that you can spend time with them.

It’s also about how sometimes jobs aren’t great but dude-friends are always around to make them less bad. And how sometimes dude friends don’t like hot chicks so you have to fuck slightly less hot chicks in order to prevent conflicts with dude friends.

All in all it’s a childish, banal film that could easily feature Mathew McConaughey into the lead role and grossly slightly more than it took to make, assuming it opens on a weekend where nothing else is playing. But in this economy that’s just not good enough. It has to have the word hangover in it or go fuck itself.

So today when you pitch your script to a room full of people with IQs below 80 they’ll mostly respond by yawning and scratching themselves. One man will literally wipe the crack of his ass with the copy his assistant provided him. Then the room full of suits will inform you that you’re a hack and while they’re normally cool with this these economic times demand greater skill.

“Sorry,” they’ll say, eying the clock and edging towards the door even as they complete their sentence. “We just really don’t think being mediocre can still work for Hollywood in this economy. We hope you understand.”

You’ll nod at them, then get up to leave. As you try to walk out the door you’ll grab a pitcher of water and try to throw it all over all of them, but it turns out it’ll be empty. Just like everything else in Hollywood, including your screenplay, it’ll be phony. Just like Holden Caufield always said.

Congratulations on Not Really Impressing Anyone With Your Screenplay!

Congratulations on Making a Very Bad Movie!

Today you’re the guy who made When In Rome and your movie just went number twelve thousand on Netflix, which is about as well as it’s going to do. You threw together a bunch of incredible actors and actresses and a few decent jokes and managed to make a real shitter of a movie. Just an absolute stinker, in kind of an incredible train-wreck way. Don Johnson? Who the fuck puts Don Johnson in a fucking movie? Just terrible.

Well today you’re going to look at those numbers and decide that you’ve done well enough and you’re going to stop defaming Kristen Bell. You’re going to ask the good people at Netflix to take your movie off their queue and they’re going to ask your name several times before they finally acquiesce because Netflix is all about giving customer service to people who shout for it long enough.

Congratulations on Making a Very Bad Movie!

Congratulations Kim Basinger!

This one goes out to the lovely lady, the K-Bas. Let’s face it, you gave a great many of us our first boner while we watched Never Say Never Again. And Batman? You defined weird, forced romantic interests inserted into beloved existing narratives for a generation.

But times have been tough lately. Even though you’ve been making movies it’s been hard to pay any attention to them when they have titles like 8 Mile and The Mermaid Chair. We want boners, including slightly older lady boners, not anti-boners generated by those gay ass wastes of celluloid.

Which is why we’re all going to be super psyched tomorrow when you announce your next feature film: Kim Basinger Convincing Rachel McAdams to Make Out. It’ll be directed by Oliver Stone, and will be universally recognized as “the only movie he’s ever made which isn’t utter shit” by Rotten Tomatoes. Its box office gross will be equivalent to the annual GDP of Panama and the movie will simultaneously end the debate over gay marriage in America and cure all forms of AIDS everywhere, ever.

Also we’ll get to see you make out with one of today’s hottest actresses, so that’s pretty sweet. Thanks for making this instead of another shitty movie like Charlie St. Cloud!

Congratulations Kim Basinger!