Congratulations on Ruining Spiderman!

We all thought Sam Raimi did a pretty good hatchet job on the last Spiderman movie.  Adding more musical scenes than fight scenes, building the dumbest, most extravagant imaginable setpieces and stringing them together in a nonsensical plot that even the most diehard Spiderman fans couldn’t defend.  But it turns out that, nope, he didn’t quite pull it off and yep, people would still like to make a Spiderman movie.

Seeing this, you did what any good person would do: you up and ruined Spiderman as a film franchise.  Step one: you hired yourself as a director.  Excellent choice there.  John Carpenter’s Spiderman might’ve had some curve appeal, and Tyler Perry’s Spiderman would’ve been a box office smash.  Shit, with Tyler Perry playing Spiderman it would’ve been more than just a box office smash; it would’ve been a masterpiece.  You were the only person we could hire who was this capable of squandering on-screen chemistry and ham-handedly constructing action scenes out of flash cuts.

The next step was to hire an incredibly talented cast and crew, and then hand them the worst script ever.  Check there.

Step three was to direct Andrew Garfield to act like Ben Schwartz’s character Jean Ralfio from Parks and Recreation.  Once you stumbled upon that element of the film, you knew you were all set to absolutely destroy the Spiderman movie franchise that Universal had struggled so hard to retain.

But you done fucked up, son.  You forgot how dumb people are.  Your last name, Webb, and the overall handsomeness of everyone involved in the production, paired with the fact that people just don’t know what good movies are anymore meant that The Amazing Spiderman was a box office and critical success.  People praised Andrew Garfield’s handsomeness and the idea that Emma Stone might actually speak to a movie reviewer or viewer as two of the film’s strongest suits.

So now you’ve got to make another Spiderman movie.  You’ve already used up the best terribly stupid ideas like “lizard bombs” and “tattoo hunts.”  And Spiderman can’t get any more annoying, so you can’t make a plot centered around trying to develop his terribly established character.  So we recommend going the boring route: just have Spiderman shop for groceries for around ninety minutes.  Then have him fight the best Spiderman villain ever: Typhoid Mary.

We’re not entirely sure what she does, but we’ve got one word: tits.  And three more words: Scarlett Johansen’s tits.

We think you’ll do just fine.

Congratulations on Ruining Spiderman!