Today you’re a rabbit.
But not just any rabbit.
You’re a mid-sized dutch bunny, about four pounds and a foot
and a half in length. You clomp around
willy nilly and tend to startle at things that you shouldn’t necessary be
startled for and remain calm at times when panic is appropriate. You have a habit of peeing on annoying people
and click your teeth together when you’re scratched in the right fashion, a
hooking gesture that encompasses the back of your head and the space just
underneath your neck. Your fur is black
and white, patterned in a way that make it look like you’re wearing a crudely
fashioned black mask and a pair of black bloomers without a shirt.
You are quite adept at escaping and have, on occasion, been
known to stand up on your hind legs.
You once face humped a young male rabbit who strongly
resembled Robert Smith of the Cure into submission during a brief period of cohabitation.
Today you’re going to sit and eat some hay. Then take a nap. Then eat some hay again. Later, you’ll eat food pellets, followed by a
little more hay. Then another nap. Followed by a frenzy of activity, then more
hay. After that you’ll be lifted out of
the basement enclosure where you live to watch an episode of Blue Planet about
eels. You’ll be quite puzzled by the
concept of eel at first. Then you’ll
grow distracted and begin hopping around the room where the eels are eeling on
the screeny screen. You’ll find some
black tubes underneath one of the people-sitters and nibble on them to see if
they’re tasty. They won’t be, but you’ll keep nibbling to see if there’s
something tasty inside because, hey, you never know.
About mid-way through the cable it’ll taste sparky and your
fur will stand on end and the eels will stop and all the people will get angry
for a few minutes. You’ll stop chewing
on the cables and just hide under the people-sitter and watch them cautiously until
they calm down. Then you’ll clomp out
and into the Curly Haired One’s arms and go into the Bright Place and eat a
carrot over the course of fifteen minutes while your claws clatter across the
floor. You’ll get frustrated and pee in
the corner and the people will laugh again and then pick you up and towel you
off in yellowtowel (their word for it) and then carry you back down to the basement
enclosure, where you’ll resume eating hay, considering your next course of
action: frenzy of activity or nap.
Congratulations Awesome Rabbit!
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