Congratulations on Fucking Leonardo DiCaprio!

You see a lot of famous clients as a prostitute in Los Angeles.  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Christian Slater, Bruce Valanche.  All the big names.  But they’re all sort of weird and a little too into choking for their own good.  They’re not the sort of clients you’d brag about (and in the cases of Cruise and Travolta, you’d be targeted by a highly trained squad of Scientology Assassins for immediate Overthetaning if you ever did so) and they’re not really rewarding to work with – they’re only slightly less self-conscious about their homosexuality than the closeted soccer dads you normally bone for money, and in the case of Bruce Vallanche it’s just difficult to really enjoy his company for any protracted period of time.

But today you’re going to meet the holy grail of somewhat closeted-or-maybe-just-curious-but-way-too-experienced-to-just-be-trying-this-out-for-the-first-time clients: Leonardo DiCaprio.  Leo isn’t a scientologist (as far as we know), isn’t too big of an asshole (though anyone who’s on camera is, inevitably, kind of a dick)  and won’t be unnervingly violent in his lovemaking.  He’ll be just perfect.

After you meet in a hotel room you rent under a fake name, he’ll schedule three followup meetings with you, concluding your pleasant, if somewhat tempestuous, lovemaking session by kissing you on the mouth.

Just wait’ll I tell my mom about this! you’ll think to yourself.  You’ll be fantasizing about her jealous rage, followed by her more than likely heart attack.  Bitch has it coming, you’ll mind-murmur.

Congratulations on Fucking Leonardo DiCaprio!