Congratulations on Fixing Your Pants!

When your ass rips during an office Christmas party and you're already well and proper wasted, you'll have three options.

Option one: you drive home, wasted out of your fucking mind, and try to get some new pants before you drive back, still wasted out of your fucking mind, to keep drinking the booze your dick boss paid for.

Unfortunately you're one more DUI away from losing your license permanently and spending five years in prison, so this option is out.

Option two: you try to fuck someone so that you spend the rest of your night shouting at your limp dick in a closet until whoever you manage to con into considering fucking you walks off in a huff, distracting people from your embarrassing pants mishap with an embarrassing sex mishap which you, for some absurd reason, consider less embarrassing than the pants thing.

Unfortunately, you've so thoroughly embarrassed yourself in front of your office mates in the past that no one is willing to sleep with you, even as a "I want to feel like I'm not approaching the end of my thirties" lark.  That leaves you with option three.

Option three is that you go to a supply closet and staple your pants together.  Unfortunately, you're going to be so god damn drunk that you won't bother trying to bunch your fabric together, and you'll instead staple your pants right into your ass in a way that simultaneously calls attention to the tear in your pants, doesn't effectively conceal your exposed "cupid underwear," and makes you bleed profusely.

You'll spend the rest of the night limping around, drinking more and more, trying to use pity to leverage someone into helping you enact option two.  There will be no takers.

Congratulations on Fixing Your Pants!

Congratulations Awesome Rabbit!

Today you’re a rabbit.  But not just any rabbit.

You’re a mid-sized dutch bunny, about four pounds and a foot and a half in length.  You clomp around willy nilly and tend to startle at things that you shouldn’t necessary be startled for and remain calm at times when panic is appropriate.  You have a habit of peeing on annoying people and click your teeth together when you’re scratched in the right fashion, a hooking gesture that encompasses the back of your head and the space just underneath your neck.  Your fur is black and white, patterned in a way that make it look like you’re wearing a crudely fashioned black mask and a pair of black bloomers without a shirt.

You are quite adept at escaping and have, on occasion, been known to stand up on your hind legs.

You once face humped a young male rabbit who strongly resembled Robert Smith of the Cure into submission during  a brief period of cohabitation.

Today you’re going to sit and eat some hay.  Then take a nap.  Then eat some hay again.  Later, you’ll eat food pellets, followed by a little more hay.  Then another nap.  Followed by a frenzy of activity, then more hay.  After that you’ll be lifted out of the basement enclosure where you live to watch an episode of Blue Planet about eels.  You’ll be quite puzzled by the concept of eel at first.  Then you’ll grow distracted and begin hopping around the room where the eels are eeling on the screeny screen.  You’ll find some black tubes underneath one of the people-sitters and nibble on them to see if they’re tasty. They won’t be, but you’ll keep nibbling to see if there’s something tasty inside because, hey, you never know.

About mid-way through the cable it’ll taste sparky and your fur will stand on end and the eels will stop and all the people will get angry for a few minutes.  You’ll stop chewing on the cables and just hide under the people-sitter and watch them cautiously until they calm down.  Then you’ll clomp out and into the Curly Haired One’s arms and go into the Bright Place and eat a carrot over the course of fifteen minutes while your claws clatter across the floor.  You’ll get frustrated and pee in the corner and the people will laugh again and then pick you up and towel you off in yellowtowel (their word for it) and then carry you back down to the basement enclosure, where you’ll resume eating hay, considering your next course of action: frenzy of activity or nap.

Congratulations Awesome Rabbit!