Congratulations Unemployed Actor!

Many actors have a niche. Al Pacino has acted angry and irrational for the last few decades, only accepting roles that give him the ability to shout and stare at the camera like it just described how it fucked his wife. Sam Worthington only accepts roles that allow him to use a different, off-putting accent and occasionally allow a stunt man to take some of the pressure off of his total inability to convey human emotion. Katherine Heigl… You get the picture.

But none of them are quite as interesting as you. You express a full array of emotions. You’re good. Really good. Academy Award that actually means something good. But you only accept one kind of role.

You only play unemployed people.

Today you’re going to get asked why for the fifty billionth fucking time by a PA on set, and maybe it’ll be the sweep of her bangs or the sharpness of her eyes, but you’ll break your cardinal rule and actually answer.

“Because I like the irony.”

She’ll laugh uproariously, even though you were dead serious. It clearly won’t be the answer she was expecting, but her laugh, her smile… It’ll be so genuine. You’ll have charmed her by opening up, just a little, to what you look like as an employed person.

A decade from now when you marry her you’ll recall the story to an audience of friends and family in the Rose Garden. They’ll all laugh, but there’ll be some tears there too. The good kind.

Congratulations Unemployed Actor!