Congratulations Sexy Reptile!

Oh. Hello there. We didn’t see you come in. Well, have a seat. Or wrap your body around something soft and just groove on the piece of future we’ve got to give you. Because we’ve got some news for you, baby, and it’s all good.

It’s all good because you’re the hottest animal we’ve ever seen, snake. And tomorrow night you’re going to put that shit to work. You’re gonna go out on the street and get into a bar and you’re gonna coil yourself around a lady, flit your tongue over her ear to make sure she’s alive and technically prey and then whisper.

“Hey, how about we take this a little somewhere more private?”

The lady, she’ll laugh, a gentle, lilting thing that will roll off her tongue. You’ll be intrigued by the sound and begin wrapping your body around her throat, applying delicate pressure to her. She’ll start to choke before you realize what you’re doing and stop, which will charm her. She’ll like men who don’t actually murder her.

“From around here?” she’ll ask you.

You’ll shake your snake head.

“No.”

She’ll smile and get her check and the two of you will leave the bar and get into her car, where you won’t say a word. You’ll just explore one another’s bodies, you mostly just wrapping yourself around her flesh, her stroking your scales gently.

When you get to her house, after nearly thirty minutes of driving and fondling, your instincts will take over and you’ll begin crushing her to death almost immediately while simultaneously attempting to mate with her. Later, after you’ve swallowed her corpse, you’ll shrug to your friends.

“I guess I just can’t catch a break with the ladies!” you’ll tell the iguanas who hang out with you now that you’ve alienated all your old friends.

They’ll laugh uproariously at your inability to process your own spree of murders.

Congratulations Sexy Reptile!