Congratulations on Murdering Wolfgang Puck!

Everyone hates Wolfgang Puck. Spago’s is basically just a slave trafficking ring that also serves food and every restaurant that he’s founded since has just been another black site in his human trafficking empire. People put up with it because America fucking loves its celebrities, but today it’s gonna stop. And you’re gonna be the one to stop it.

Today you’re going to walk into Spago on one of the nights where he’s checking out the operation wielding a fire axe. While most people are just sitting around waiting for a glimpse of the chef himself, you’re going to walk right back into the kitchen, which is actually filled with horrified young women, and drive your axe into the small of Puck’s back as he “inspects the product” by tepidly groping a weeping young Filipina girl.

Puck will cry out and try to shift away, but the axe will have damaged his spinal column and, with it buried inside of his back, you’ll be able to pull him towards you a little before you draw it out and slam it into the back of his skull, ending his reign of terror once and for all.

The women in the kitchen will begin cheering immediately, rattling their chains so loudly that all of the diners inside of Spago will be able to hear them. You’ll move from woman to woman, destroying their chains with your axe. They’ll flee one by one until the kitchen is empty except for you, sweating and panting with the effort of your axe work, Puck’s corpse and one remaining French woman, naked except for a chef’s hat, who has been bound there for almost half a decade as a sous chef for Puck.

“Merci,” she’ll mumble through her cracked, bloody lips. She’ll kiss the side of your face and rub her cheek against yours, smearing a tear into your beard. You’ll smile in response and take off your jacket, handing it to her.

Moments like this one are the reason you took up battling celebrity chef operated white slavery rings in the first place.

Congratulations on Murdering Wolfgang Puck!