Congratulations on Finding a Flask Filled with Delicious Whiskey!

Sometimes exploring pirate ruins has its perks. Sometimes you find an ancient gem that wards off evil or piles and piles of treasure that will insure that you never have to work again. Sometimes you find your dad, or parts of your dad at least.

Today you’re going to find a small, well appointed flask that dates back to World War 1. It’ll be some sort of burnished steel, perfectly preserved without a hint of rust, and what’s more it’ll slosh about when you pick it up. When you hold it next to your ear it’ll sound mostly full. You’ll make a quick ka-ching gesture with your hand and then you’ll call your sexy assistant over to you. She’ll hustle as quick as she can on those short-short showing gams of hers, and when she slides up you’ll hold the flask above your head and shake it back and forth a little as if to say “let’s get party!”

She’ll respond by nodding and undoing the topmost button on her regulation white explorer’s shirt, exposing a healthy swath of half-moon cleavage. Then she’ll take the flask out of your hand, undo the top and throw it backwards into the ruins before taking the first swig of the night.

The next day you’ll scrabble about on your knees trying to find the lid to this priceless artifact, worth god only knows how much. But tonight you’re going to be trying to get your mouth around the opening of the flask while it’s nestled between your lady-friend’s boobs, awkwardly trying to make eye contact with her while you do so.

Enjoy the night and remember to bring your own condoms! The ones you’ll find in the pirate ruins will be unreliable at best!

Congratulations on Finding a Flask Filled with Delicious Whiskey!