Congratulations on Finishing All the Popcorn Chicken!

You told him you’d do it, and it was the old fool’s fault for not believing it. So while the barrel of the pistol is still smoking, while your mom is cradling his body as the life fades from his eyes, be sure to cherish every last bite of that popcorn chicken. You won’t be able to taste the like again for at least three months, when the prison will put popcorn chicken, briefly, into the rotation. A week after that it’ll become a form of currency for not-rape, and you’ll have to give it up again, all the while wondering what your life could’ve been if you didn’t kill your dad over the last of the popcorn chicken on that one fateful night.

Upside: you no longer need to worry about getting him a Father’s Day present now!

Congratulations on Finishing All the Popcorn Chicken!