Congratulations on Breaking Into Conan O'Brien's House!

So here’s a funfact: NBC is actually powered by a not so secret gemstone that is normally kept in Lorne Michael’s chest. You can tell when it’s missing because SNL enjoys a marked decrease in quality during its eras of absence. And you thought it had to do with the cast changes!

Well it turns out that Conan O’Brien was actually promised that gemstone as part of his infamous Late Night Contract. And he got it. And when he was asked to give it back, he refused.

NBC was displeased, to put it lightly, but they couldn’t make a fuss about it in public, not without exposing the horrible truth behind their sagging fall line-up and their completely insane decision to remove Dan Harmon from his place at the helm of Community. With no legal means of addressing the issue they’ve simply begun sending intern after intern to try and retake the gemstone, with the promise of an executive producer credit on a new, potentially disastrous sitcom if they succeed.

So far none of them have come back.

Today you’re going to get farther than most do. You’ll bypass Conan O’Brien’s trained manta rays, who also have lasers strapped to their heads and patrol his outermost moat. Then you’ll evade his many fire-breathing dogs, mostly by masking yourself in Andy Richter’s scent (available through the internet to those with the temerity to look for it).

Once you breach the interior of the house, you’ll discover that O’Brien has filled it with attack robots that detect NBC employees by scanning for the radiation emitted by the microchip implanted in each and every one of you. Being an enterprising young man, once you figure this out (largely from the massive heat buildup that their scanning will trigger in your left shoulder, where your chip is located) you’ll carve your NBC ID chip out of you with a knife and then throw it into his living room, where it will be vaporized by mother fucking lasers.

With all of your hurdles seemingly eliminated you’ll crawl on your belly past the robots, not wanting to arouse any additional suspicion. You’ll keep an eye out for trip-wires and any defenses you might’ve missed, things like attack bees or Labomba. After nearly twenty minutes of crawling you’ll find yourself in the specially designed containment vault in the basement of Conan’s virtual fortress-palace-home. The gemstone will be in the center of the otherwise unmarked white room, hovering inside of a field of pulsating blue energy. You’ll pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off and begin walking over to the gem.

Before you get three steps in, a force will strike you in the side of your torso so severely that you’ll be catapulted across the room and on to your back. You’ll lay there, staring up at the pure white ceiling, the dim hum of the gem’s containment field beckoning you to rise to your feet. You’ll be unable to move.

Co Co himself will suddenly step into your field of vision, carrying an antiquated double barrel shotgun. He’ll pop open the breach and withdraw two shells, still smoking. Then he’ll calmly reload the weapon and snap it closed.

“Give my regards to Johnny Carson,” he’ll mutter as he takes aim at you. Then the sound of a gunshot will crush your ears and the world will go dark.

Congratulations on Breaking Into Conan O’Brien’s House!