Congratulations Podcast Apologist!

We all make mistakes. And there are few better places to make them than on the internet, where they’re both permanently preserved and displayed for all to see. Facebook is basically a giant repository with everyone the groom knows, including his parents, to the face tattoo you got that gives you that “Tae Zonde look that the ladies love.”

More recently, the amazing medium of Podcasting has emerged to provide people with a fresh method for exposing the world to their ill-formed ideas and momentary lapses in judgment. To those unfamiliar with the genre, podcasting combines the tense action of radio with the editing toolset of Garage Band and caps it all off by removing that pesky live element from the whole affair. This doesn’t mean that it serves as a bulwark against embarrassment, however. Podcasters are duty bound to avoid cutting out even the smallest chunk of their treasured interview or conversation or failed improvised sketch.

This means the majority of podcasts have now, after a few years of podcastery, grown into little more than lengthy apologies to parties wronged by previous podcasts. Mark Maron of the WTF podcast basically opens and closes each show by apologizing to all of his previous guests now, with a brief series of insults to people who haven’t been on the show quite yet sandwiched in the middle for good measure. Scott Auckerman apologizes to his audience every day for something Adam Pally’s doing, and the Nerdist’s podcast listing is basically a giant set of apology letters ready to happen, arranged by subject.

But no one needs to apologize more for podcasts than you: Horace T. Podcastersman, the inventor of the podcast. You came up with the idea for podcasts a few years ago, and you’ve spent the intervening time perfecting what Nelson Mandela once called “the single greatest ally to social regression in the world today.”

Today you’re going to try to make up for it. You’re going to sit down in your soundproofed garage and record a brief, heartfelt apology to the world for your actions in introducing podcasting to the world. You’ll say some racist stuff in there, too, which you’ll also have to apologize for by the end. Then you’ll shoot yourself in the mouth, killing yourself instantly. Your wife will discover your body a day later with an apology note stapled to it. The note will also provide her with step by step directions on how to upload your more global apology to the world to the internet. She’ll dutifully do so before posting it to her webpage about how terrible you are as a husband, where it will remain until the end of the internet as a testament to your atrocious legacy.

Congratulations Podcast Apologist!