Congratulations on Surviving the Fire!

Today you’re going to get your just desserts. You’re going to be set on fire by a group of angry midgets thanks largely to some things you published involving their family members in the midget porn community. You’ll have successfully avoided litigation for months by hiding out in the Cayman Islands.

But your propensity for midget whores and cruelty will make laying low difficult. You’ll have an island wide reputation in a few days, and after you exhaust the very limited supply of midget hookers on the Caymans you’ll gain an international reputation once again as people are forced to ship them in from off the island.

The midgets, who will be just incredibly well connected, will find you in a matter of days. They’ll lure you to a hotel room with the promise of some submissive midget whores and then they’ll tie you to a bed and douse you in gasoline. You’ll writhe there, bound to the frame and mattress as he heats up and you’ll scream and beg for mercy. Well, you won’t really bed so much as you’ll shout wordlessly hoping for they get the idea.

You’ll writhe and writhe until the spectacle becomes too much for their wee hearts to bear and those little midgets with their organized crime backgrounds and their desire for rage will feel sated by the horrors they’ve visited upon you. And they’ll turn and leave you to die there, alone and unknown in that room.

But you won’t! See as it turns out midgets will be really bad at choosing rope, just as a general rule. So the rope they selected will burn through before you die from a combination of smoke inhalation (it was basically twine). Then you’ll roll off the bed and on to a carpet where you’ll twist and turn on the ground until the flames finally leave your deformed body, surviving the fire to enjoy a life of ceaseless agony as your dead nerve endings scream endlessly until you take your own life three months from now.

Congratulations on Surviving the Fire!