Today, following the message of Heroes, you’re going to save a cheerleader in a small Texas town from her gang rape at the hands of a football team. It’ll all be going down after a big game where they lost against Rival School, and they’ll be all pissy, claiming they didn’t get the cheers they needed to win. In their minds vengeance against women is the only possible solution (they’re from Texas).
You’ll show up and step out of your dusty and beleaguered Toyota Camry, hammer in hand, just where and when that gypsy told you to be. You’ll tighten your grip as you see the men closing around the terrified girl and you’ll charge in without a word as you see them undoing their pants and masturbating while staring at each other.
Your arrival will trigger a combination of homosexual panic and confusion in them that will lead to them “turtling” both physically and emotionally, leaving you to wail on them with that hammer. The few who stand will be pummeled first, their skulls ruptured by the hammer’s head. They won’t know how to fight against someone who isn’t in pads and is actually trying to kill them, so most team members will just curl up in a ball on the ground and hope for you to leave.
But you’ll kill every last kinda-gay one of them. And when you hold out your hand to the cheerleader, covered in blood and brains and other vile, vile fluids that the body releases upon being beaten with a hammer, she’ll scream. She’ll scream at you and run away, just like every other girl you’ve ever known. But you know you did right by her and that she’s just kind of a bitch, so you’ll muster the courage that you never have with other women and shout after her sarcastically.
“You’re welcome!”
Congratulations on Saving the Cheerleader!
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