Congratulations on Eating the Entire Package!

Today you’re going to be a family of mice.

You spend most of your time scurrying from place to place and desperately trying to survive despite being plagued by all number of dangers, not the least of which is filthy, filthy people who lay their cunning, cunning traps (That cheese on wood looks too good to be true? It probably is.). You also occasionally have mouse sex, which is brief and, shockingly, not very cute.

You live simple, hard lives, but today it’s all going to pay off. Today, during a routine raid on a suburban home populated by college students one of them, the one who was at home, will be doing heroin. You’ll know this, having learned to speak English as a result of some experiments performed by a crazy German scientist who was obsessed with the American victory in World War II, and you’ll have chosen this time to strike out of a belief that the human will be sedate.

You’ll be spot on about that. The tardbus will boot so much H into his veins that he’ll seize up in his bed and die foaming at the mouth, whimpering softly as the gasses leave his body. You’ll squeal in glee and scamper freely through the kitchen, free for the first time in this new home. You’ll gather up all the food you can and drag it back to your hidey hole, all the food you want spare one critical bit: an untouched packet of Oreo cookies stored on a high shelf.

It’ll be out of your reach, even with your amazing climbing abilities. You’ll scree in frustration, cursing the inventor of the high cabinet in mousespeak. You’ll skitter and squeal and romp about in the empty house, trying to work some of the angry out, when one of you has an idea: by burrowing into the dead drug addict’s brain you could theoretically control his body. From his body you could gather up all the Oreos in the house and bring them back to your nest, where the packaging would give you shelter and the Oreos themselves would provide you with delicious delicious sustenance.

You’ll agree to work as a team and set about your labor immediately, boring a hole through his soft upper palate right into the junkie’s brain. From there the nerdy mouse, the one with glasses, will control the junkie’s body using nerve endings. He’ll fail at getting the junkie safely down the stairs to the pantry but he’ll succeed at getting his shattered limbs to stand, grab the cookies and carry them back the nest.

Once there you’ll leave his corpse to the elements. Inside your delightful hidey hole you’ll devour cookies and squeal in delight. For one night, at least, life will be good for you.

Congratulations on Eating the Entire Package!