Congratulations on Finding Your Flash Drive!

After the spies only orgy you’re going to feel empty, which is normal. This time it’ll be because Kriselda, the Russian spy who killed your first partner and gave you a wicked scar over your left eye, wouldn’t let you blow your load inside her. She insisted that you shoot off on her tits which, as all spies know, means that she thinks you’re going to die in the next few months and doesn’t want to wonder if she could’ve borne your child. It’ll be a heavy blow.

So when you reach into your pocket you’ll be looking for a smooth refreshing Chesterfield which will take your mind off of Kriselda’s fear of commitment. And while you’ll find the cigarettes there you’ll realize instantly, because you’re a spy, that something is missing. A USB drive containing super secret research data or missile codes. Maybe both. You don’t label them, so it’ll be kind of a crap shoot.

You’ll panic at first. Losing that data could cost you your life, and living is more or less all you do at this point. Also, it might kill thousands and thousands of “civilians,” not that there are any civilians left in the war on terror. And this is your third strike at the agency, which means you won’t even get a sexy female assassin sent after you this time, you’ll just get an overweight one who never fails but really doesn’t like his job so he stress eats all the time.

You’ll moon for a moment about how sad you are and how right Kriselda was to doubt you. You couldn’t even keep your thumb drive safe, let alone her satin skin. You really won’t deserve her in your mind. But then you’ll remember that the flash drive had a track device in it, since tracking devices are tiny and in pretty much everything you own.

You’ll whip out your i-Phone and turn on the Tracking Device App that you downloaded for free the other week and start yourself a trackin’.

You’ll run through the Moscow streets, beating up several members of the Russian mafia and a few corrupt cops before you finally find the location of your flash drive: your apartment.

Furious at yourself for not looking there first you’ll run halfway across the city to get back home, arriving covered in sweat with your dress shirt’s top three buttons open. When you step in the front door you’ll immediately know that you’re not alone. For one thing, there will be subtle finger prints on the door and the hair you pasted across it will be gone. For another thing, there will be a pile of women’s clothes on the floor.

Puzzled you’ll check your i-Phone and see that the signal is actually coming from your bedroom. You’ll enter cautiously, pistol in hand, ready to fight any number of shady operatives.

Inside you’ll find Kriselda showing all of her alabaster skin. She’ll be on top of your blankets, her legs crossed. She’ll look bored, like she’s been waiting there for a while.

“Fancy meeting you here,” you’ll say, eying her up like a prize. She’ll smirk back at you.

“I thought you’d never arrive. I assume you have come for the data?” She’ll spread her legs and point at her hoo-ha, smiling. “You’ll have to take it from me.”

You’ll fake a grimace and take off your clothes before fisting Kriselda to get the drive out of her vagina. Then you’ll have sex, and while she won’t let you come in her vagina this time either she will let you come in her mouth, which means she likes you at least a little bit. Take some comfort in that next time your nipples are being electrocuted, secret agent man.

Congratulations on Finding Your Flash Drive!