Congratulations on Passing Through the Flaming Ring!

She’ll be standing on the sidelines, your scarf in her hand. You’ll be worried about her, worried about the thoughts running through her pretty head, but not as worried as you’ll be for yourself. You’ll be staring at a giant twenty foot tall hoop lit on fire, because that’s how your uncle taught you how to solve your problems.

Her ex-boyfriend will be in the rat rod next to you. He’ll look scared, like this is the first time he’s driven a crudely thrown together piece of shit car through a flaming hoop or something.

“This seems like a really bad idea!” he’ll shout at you over the rumble of your engines.

“It’s how it has to be!” you’ll shout back.

Then you’ll gun your engine and take off up the jump, soaring across the divide and safely through the ring of fire. Your car will land on the other side with a thump and a squeal as the tires groan with the car’s weight. When you come to a stop you’ll lurch forward a little in your seat, but you’ll have fastened your safety belt so you’ll be fine.

“This is how men solve things!” you’ll shout back at her ex-boyfriend, who probably won’t be able to hear you.

He’ll respond by gunning his engine, starting up the ramp and careening headlong into the ring. His car will collide with the bottom of the frame, collapsing up to the driver’s compartment and bursting into flames before it tumbles to the ground. The fire will spread to the engine fast, faster than anyone can see, and the car will explode in a fireball, casting auto parts all around the high school football field.

But for her part, she’ll just drop her ex-boyfriend’s token. You won’t know if she feels bad about sleeping with him or if she’s really happy with you. You won’t even know if this is what she wanted, and you really won’t care. The ring will have spoken.

It will occur to you as you honk your horn that there might be a more productive way to solve your differences than driving home-made cars through a ring of fire until someone dies, but the thought will vanish before it has time to take root. Things in life are usually best left unchanged. The ring has proven this before.

Congratulations on Passing Through the Flaming Ring!