Congratulations on Finishing All the Liquor In Your House!

Your wife will tell you couldn’t. Shouldn’t. Won’t. She’ll be right, at least on the first two counts.

But stay at home dads need to party sometimes too, and after your kid’s asleep you like to pretend that you can still “throw down” with the best of them. So tonight after you’ve washed your hands of baby feces and vomit you’ll sit down at your four person kitchen table slash office desk, put away the laptop you’ve been tapping out your “novel” on and break out all the whiskey in your house.

Since your wife’s in AA it’ll just be a bunch of bottles in the back of your cabinet that you forgot to throw away when she first started, all mixed into one Nalgene. Your wife will finger her coin as she watches you pour them in one by one, mixing ouzo with bourbon with vodka.

“This is a terrible idea,” she’ll say.

“You think that about all drinking!” you’ll shout back at her, shutting her up and beginning a fissure in your relationship that will eventually destroy your marriage and force your child into a broken home that never needed to be. Then you’ll examine the mixture you’ve made and down it in one massive gulp.

Your throat will flex with the pressure of the liquid sliding down it, your gullet will burn. There will be other homoerotic metaphors here but we’ll leave those to your imagination. Suffice to say it’s going to suck. But you’ll get the entire thing down in your tummy and plop the bottle down on the kitchen table.

You’ll turn to your wife, give her an “I told you so” look, and then let out a long, satisfied burp. That burp will then turn into a choking cough, which will turn into an explosive fit of projectile vomiting,

“Holy shit,” your wife will say, laughing to herself while she finds some old rags under the counter. When the entire process ends you’ll be face down on your kitchen floor, moaning, while she drops some rags on you.

“I’m going upstairs to masturbate,” she’ll tell you. “Clean yourself up before you come to bed.”

She’ll leave you there gasping, whimpering, and wishing you’d chosen to just go down on your wife instead of making terrible decisions with alcohol.

Congratulations on Finishing All the Liquor In Your House!