Congratulations Pinball Composer!

Today you’re a douchebag who does nothing put compose music on a pinball machine. You use the sounds from your pinball machine to create sounds which you later mix and arrange on a sound board your mom bought for you when you were nineteen.

All this would actually be kind of cool if you used the pinball machine to make art of your own or re-create older musical works of note to recast them in a new, interesting light. But you won’t do that. What you’ll do is nothing short of heretical. You’re going to spend almost all of your time arranging covers of Metallica songs on a pinball machine. And you’re going to do it poorly.

You’ll play them for your mom, who will weep openly at the horror she has spawned on the earth. Confused, you’ll turn to the internet for a second opinion, where retards the world over will flock to you to be their new god. Your stupidity will be truly profound, and your complete inability comprehend it will inspire them. Perhaps wealthy, lonely older women will one day take pity upon them and buy them expensive equipment they can use to make completely terrible cultural contributions.

You’ll be awash with positive Youtube comments from unemployed Metallica fans who do nothing but surf the internet from seven in the morning until eleven at night when Conan’s new show comes on. They’ll tell you how great you are and how great Conan’s new show is and how much Jay Leno sucks. Then they’ll all talk about how they’d love to hang out with one another if they lived closer together which, thank god, they don’t.

All this will be undone when your mother, bless her heart, realizes what her womb has visited on the living world and sets fire to your home with the two of you in it. You’ll die of smoke inhalation in her arms while she chants verses from the bible, so it’s actually kind of great that you both died together.

Congratulations Pinball Composer!