Congratulations Richard Jenkins!

Two years ago I wouldn’t have been writing this. Two years ago I wouldn’t have known your name. I’d be writing a lengthy warning to a balding man, telling him that Step Brothers was a terrible film to be in but that he should stick with the whole acting thing because he was super great at it.

But time makes fools of us all, and there is no foolishness sweeter than the foolishness of being humiliated when you ask the people in your office “Hey, what was the name of that guy in The Visitor?” and hear a universal cry of “Richard Motherfucking Jenkins!” Truly, you have arrived, sir, and were you to fall off the earth in a week’s time, which you won’t be be, because in three weeks you’ll be in Cancun sipping a Mai Tai when Gilbert Gottfried gets hit by a rogue jet ski (sweet, right?), you’d be remembered forever for playing the lovable curmudgeon better than anyone else.

So today we’re proud to tell you, actor Richard Jenkins, that you should step three feet to the left at around 4:37 this afternoon, a few minutes after you’ll leave your house for some weird ass celebrity reason we don’t totally understand. Just wait until the safe falls into the spot that you were once standing and then pick up as much of the cash as you can carry. Don’t go crazy and get all greedy, or a bear will find you and do horrible things to you. And then we wouldn’t have you, our precious, precious Richard Jenkins.

Congratulations Richard Jenkins!