Vampires have been huge for the last decade, and it’s no secret why. As Americans get fatter and oranger, vampires grow slimmer and paler. They embody everything we wish we could be, and they do so effortlessly. They don’t have to work out to be incredibly strong, or pretend to be working on a novel in order to justify the hours and hours they spend inside avoiding human contact. They can be what we all desperately dream of without even lifting a finger. They’re badass sexy loners who can draw the ladies to them without trying.
But they never really needed publicists. Cameras can’t photograph them, and public appearances usually end in assassination attempts by some “wronged family member” of a person they “drained the fucking life out of.” It’s a vicious cycle.
Or it was a vicious cycle, until you stepped on the scene and found the perfect way to let these blood sucking fiends cash in on the popularity of the Twilight novels. By making it seem like vampires are just killing the terminally ill and the mentally handicapped and encouraging people to see the movie Thirst you’ve managed to make vampires incredibly sympathetic despite the fact that they are little more than fiendish killing machines from the bowels of hell. And through a combination of book deals, audio interviews and Lifetime style specials, you’re going to commoditize your process and turn it into raw money.
So Congratulations Vampire Promoter! Things are going to go great for you until one of your clients gets hungry or someone whose had a vampire kill their entire family figures out where you live and murders you in a fire.
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