Congratulations Pregnant Teen!

One of the biggest problems most Americans have with President Obama nowadays is that they can’t really relate to him. His problems are so big, so multinational. We miss the days of George W. Bush, when the biggest problem our president would talk to us about was how he couldn’t control his whorish daughters. We need some new blood in American politics, some blood we can relate to.

The midterm elections were supposed to be all about that. That’s why people elected so many “Tea Partiers,” obscenely wealthy sycophants who cast themselves as populist everymen pulled up by their own bootstraps while bankrolling their own campaigns with millions drawn from personal funds or money taken from massive amoral corporations. But it turns out that those people were actually asshats who weren’t going to do anything and we figured that more or less the day after the election, so as of a week ago we were left with a government more or less exactly like it was for the last two years, except with more retardation. No one we can relate to, no one we can get behind, no one we can gossip about in the grocery store, listing off their various all too public embarrassments to our cashier with social impunity.

But today, early in the morning, Senator Elect Richard Blumenthal, who won a race against insane, drama heavy bitch Linda McMahon, is going to die under weird circumstances (bystander in a wizardly duel!) and a succession will have to occur. Since Connecticut is an old, old place by American standards there are going to be some obscure ass laws on the books about the subject (the Wizard Control Act of 1785, specifically) and instead of having a special election the entire process wil be done by a blind lottery which includes every citizen of Connecticut (wizards included).

At 11:30 AM your name will be picked. You will be Tammy Hargrave, a pregnant sixteen year old girl whose boyfriend just broke up with her because she was quote “getting too fat.” Your first speech will be about how huge a jerk your boyfriend is. It will be received as a return to the politics of the previous decade, the politics we have so severely missed under Obama’s leadership, and the politics that we need to return to as a nation if we want to establish America is the nation we truly know it can be, the nation the rest of the world sees us as.

Congratulations Pregnant Teen!