Congratulations Conservative Lesbian!

Today you’re the world’s only conservative lesbian, and boy does it ever suck to be you. Every day you wake up and look in the mirror and think “what can I do to make myself less of a person in the eyes of our culture today?” Then you think about how morbidly unattractive all the women on the right are by your standards (exception: Michelle Bachman) and breathe a sigh for all the time and effort you’ll have to put into faking that you’re someone else when you go to a lesbian bar this evening, just on the off chance that you might meet someone you’d like to take home.

Finally, completing your morning ritual, you’ll brush your teeth. Up and down then side to side.

By the time it’s all done you’ll be nice and safe and tucked inside your own head. Driving a Prius down to work in the accounting department of an ad agency, your mind will have adapted almost perfectly to removing thoughts of these internal and external conflicts from your daily consciousness. They will be there, sitting just outside your mind, outside the car. Thoughts of how you’ll deal with your aggressively gay male co-worker who still wears that fucking Hope t-shirt every Thursday like it’s his laundry shirt. Thoughts of what you’ll do to avoid being around your co-workers for an hour as soon as you’re given the chance.

These thoughts will rest as you focus on the stop and go of hellish Seattle traffic, the moribund crawl towards work that you’ve come to pride yourself on your ability to endure, the bombardment of hate from people you’d just like to get a little fun from, if only they’d set aside their fiscal politics for five minutes and examine your meticulously shaped bush.

But you’ll never think of stalling out your own opinions, of concealing who you are to these people. You’ll be deeply, self assuredly proud on a level that you’ll never be able to shake. And for that we say congratulations conservative lesbian. We hope you find someone apathetic soon!