Congratulations Moustache Comb Manufacturer!

Your industry has been in decline for decades. Pretty much since the end of the 1970s. And there’s no real relief in sight. Or at least their wasn’t. I mean, people just don’t grow moustaches any more, and those that do have no desire to carefully groom them using specialized, unbreakable hygenic devices that are frequently and easy lost. They’re hard to sell soap to, for fuck’s sake.

But moustaches have slowly, surely been making ground with American youth. Between the International Moustache Growing League, Moustache Grower’s Anonymous and California’s various measures to decriminalize moustaches, things have been looking bushy (pun intended!) for moustache related industries over the last decade or so. Finally your market is growing beyond creepy dudes and dads who have pool tables in their basements to include insufferable people who order PBR and board game enthusiasts.

Which is why, today, the CEO of the Dollar Store chain is going to walk into your office with a check.

“How much for many comb?” he’ll say, scratching at an unkempt moustache of his own, one clearly cultivated in order to keep up with the youth who are no doubt clamboring over him to get a hold of his position within the company. It will be full and bushy, like a pair of hairy insect wings unfolding over his lip. It will be beautiful to your eyes.

“What?” you’ll say, baffled by his loose grasp of English.

“You sell one million comb,” he’ll say, again scratching at his moustache. Smiling, you’ll slide him a comb and stroke your own perfectly cultivated handlebar stache, a magnificent pair of twin tufts streaking off to the side. the CEO of the Dollar Store will sniff at your moustache comb and eye you suspiciously.

“One hundred million?” he’ll say. You’ll shake your head.

“Let’s start a little lower,” you’ll say, showing him the actual costs of producing, transporting and stocking combs for him over the next five years. Excited, he’ll write you a check for forty million dollars.

“Very good moustache comb,” he’ll say, combing his moustache as he leaves. As the door slams shut behind him you’ll smile to yourself, thinking of the drive in your Toyota Camry to the bank to deposit the check. Just imagine what your mom will say when she sees all that sweet, sweet cash in your joint account. Maybe her hip will just up and realign itself she’ll be so excited.

Congratulations Moustache Comb Manufacturer!