Congratulations Tigerfucker!

You’re a leopard (rar!) who we can only assume has learned to read through some cruel twist of fate which would permit you to understand a world you can never enter yourself, thanks to your lack of opposable thumbs and vocal chords capable of making intelligible sounds. But with this literacy comes incredible intelligence, and you’ve used that to make quite a career for yourself as the first Animal Planet porn star.

Here’s the deal: you travel around from habitat to habitat and zoo to zoo hanging out with other leopards. You do this largely by carefully monitoring shipping manifests and methodically studying security systems so that you can move between locations with minimal headache. Then once you’re chilling with other leopards you find a lady leopard you dig, wait for the cameras to start rolling and then you give it to her. Hard.

You engage in leopard sex with a relish normally reserved for species that walk around on two legs, and you do it with a sense of eroticism which is simultaneously deeply disturbing and fundamentally right to everyone who watches it.

As a result you’ve risen to fame in both the human and leopard communities as an instinctive master of eroticism. To leopards you are a lengthy growl, which roughly translates to “he who haunts our dreams and makes our nightmares delightful.” To humans you are “that leopard who keeps fucking those other leopards.”

You’ve enjoyed this fame, but of late it hasn’t been enough to keep you satisfied, which is why tonight you’re going to break into the Bronx Zoo and make your way to the tiger cages using all of your impressive stealth.

You’ll secret yourself in there, hiding in the shadows and biding your time until tomorrow when you see a family filming the tigers with a handheld camera. You’ll choose this moment to slink out and start sniffing the tigers until you find a lady tiger who does it for you.

Then you’ll tenderly, affectionately put your paws on her hind legs and mount her. After that you’ll start to do what you do best.

Most big cats just pump and then pass out, but not you. No, you’re going to give it to her nice and slow at first. If she was capable of enjoying it you know she would be. You’ll start to move faster and more intensely, your claws reflexively tensing and un-tensing as you go. As you come close to climax you’ll start to lose your shit and claw her wildly, leaving long bloody gashes all along her hindquarters, finally stretching your body over hers as you come to your fall inside her.

She’ll actually seem to like that bit.

The camera will catch all of it, documenting every moment of your grand erotic display. It’ll even capture you winking at it as you slink off into the shadows to hide until you have another chance to escape.

It won’t be long before that video finds its way to You tube, then onwards to Animal Planet, where you’ll rise to fame as the first practitioner of interracial sex between big cats. From there its onward and upward as you ad more and more notches to your belt, in the form of other large felines.

So congratulations Tigerfucker. It won’t be long before all the big cats learn to fear and long for your soft growls and tender ministrations and you haunt the dreams of all the people who see you. Just avoid taking partners who aren’t big cats. It won’t end well. Trust us.