Congratulations on Driving Fastest!

You’re a girl with too sweet a heart and a bad boy on her mind too much of the time. This bad boy, he’s into some bad things. One of the not so bad things he’s into, those, is drag racing.

You think you can change him. Hell, you know you can. All you know is some time alone with him. After all, you might be a good girl but you know how to be bad when you have to.

Those two preceding paragraphs are there to explain how you ended up behind the wheel of a souped up hot rod with a scarf around your face and a pair of sunglasses over your eyes at night. They’re there to explain how you’ve fallen in with thieves, crackheads and, yes, that’s right, graduate students.

You entered this underground race because you knew he’d be there. You had a little help from Vin Diesel (he’s your cousin or something, we’re kind of confused just how you know him to be honest) but a lot of what got you there came from your excellent driving skillset and your work experience in daddy’s garage.

You’re also straight edge, so you’ve got a leg up on almost everyone there. If they haven’t been chaining poppers for hours on end they’ve probably been drunk since noon. Hell, even the boy you like will do a handful of speed before he gets into his car, and he’s one of the people who “uses instead of abusing.”

Anyhow, after a length pre-race posturing and preparation session where you and your boy of interest dance fight you’ll be lined up in your souped up, shitty looking cars, revving your engines and making complicated gestures at each other.

You’ll still be high on adrenaline from the dance fight, especially the part where the two of you almost touched while using dance moves against one another, so when the race starts you’ll be on the top of your game.

You’ll shift fluidly at the perfect moment each time, flawlessly drag racing your rig down the road. And since you actually knew what you were doing when you put your car together, and didn’t use altavista searches and shitty movies from the early 2000s as references to your automotive work, your car will actually be in good shape. You’ll win the race with a commanding lead.

After you finish you’ll step out of your car and Vin Diesel will give you a big old hug. Then you’ll shake the boy’s hand and take off your mask before you give his shocked old mug a big sloppy kiss. He’ll think the whole thing is awesome and the two of you will start dating.

It’ll last around a month and a half until the two of you have sex and it is absolutely awful. Then you’ll break up and start to learn about hacking computers in an effort to seduce another boy who, in this case, would totally go out with you if you just asked.

You should reconsider your courtship approach, is all we’re saying. Oh, and congratulations on driving fastest. Think of the experience as its own reward, right?