Congratulations on Perfecting Your Impression!

Ever since your grandma moved in its been super lame. She keeps stealing your pot, she won’t share any of her pills, and she always keep the TV tuned to NCIS. You weren’t even aware that there was a 24 hour NCIS channel, but this is the sort of horrible knowledge your grandmother has imbued you with.

You’d throw her out but you’re almost positive that your parents would cut you off if you did. Plus her social security checks are pretty sweet and they help keep the two of you in Taco Bell and brew.

But she’s way old and you know she won’t be there forever, which is why her death on Friday night won’t come as much of a surprise. What will is the profound sadness you’ll feel at her loss and the sudden fear you’ll have of losing her monthly checks from the government.

This is what will keep you from reporting her death to the government. It’ll keep you from doing it for months and months, for faking her voice on the phone to your parents and then passing it off as a lame joke. Since Gam Gam hates talking to your “bastard father” and your “whore mother” (her words!) it’ll work.

At least, at first. But after a while they’ll get suspicious. They’ll demand to talk to her. They’ll keep paying your rent since they don’t want her to end up on the street and they’ve long since given up on you finding gainful employ, but they will contact the Department of Social Security and try to get your Gam Gam declared legally dead.

Now, let’s face facts; your impressions suck. You’re a terrible actor, you have no sense of self and no real knack for observing people and their actions and you’re kind of oblivious. Also you sort of have a mild form of voice imodulation disorder.

This is going to pose some pretty serious problems. But you’re nothing if not pragmatic. You’ll spend months and months working on your impression, sleeping to tapes of your grandmother swearing at various family members (check various video tapes of family events to get some good samples for this part) and ordering Chinese food as her in order to get it delivered more quickly.

You’ll be doing pretty well, but you won’t feel one hundred percent on the big day. In fact, you’ll start to panic. You’ll end up just locking yourself in the bathroom for hours and hours on end, muttering over and over to yourself in your best approximation of your grandmother’s voice.

This is how the Social Security investigator will find you, muttering over and over again in her voice. He’ll come into your house through the unlocked front door, assuming that Gam Gam was living there alone, and call out her name.

At first this will make your blood run cold, but almost immediately you’ll realize its a blessing in disguise. You’ll do a quick hammy throat clear and launch into the best impression of her you’ve ever done.

“Why hello there, sonny,” you’ll say. The Social Security investigator will ask if you’re alright.

“Oh, of course I am. Just very very old.” You’ll do a quick gesture which approximates to ‘jackpot’. The investigator will see nothing wrong with this statement. In fact, old people say it surprisingly often.

But he’ll ask a lot of questions, mostly about shit you find it hard to focus on for more than a few seconds. Things like grandchildren, President Roosevelt and your opinion on blacks.

You’ll start to freak when you stutter and stall trying to think of answers, but then you’ll shout something about getting into the shower and he’ll excuse his rudeness and depart immediately.

Turns out that the elderly taking incredibly long showers where they often die, and he really didn’t want to have to deal with your corpse that night. So nice job with the corpse gambit. We’re glad it paid off for you, and congratulations on perfecting your impression. It really got you out of a jam there. Also, you’re a terrible grand son.