Congratulations on Starting Your Restaurant!

You’ve had the idea for weeks. That’s a long time for you.

It’s a family style restaurant called “Holy Shit! TITTIES!” Just like that, with all caps in the second sentence. It’ll be an old fashioned home-style joint featuring only the hottest topless waitresses.

You drew up the business plan yesterday and you’ve scheduled an interview to secure the necessary bank loan today. You’ll show up at Chase Manhattan in running shoes, jeans and a sweatshirt. You’ll reek of marijuana smoke and you’ll be carrying a pint of whiskey wrapped in a paper bag with you.

The banker will look at you askance. He’ll take you in in one languid glance before he speaks.

“Sir,” he’ll say, “I’m not sure you’re the type of person we’d like to offer such a high risk loan to.”

You’ll ignore him and put your business plan on his desk, tapping it emphatically. He’ll take a measured sigh and pick up the manila folder. After all, he blocked out this time to see you, he might as well go through the motions.

At first he’ll look skeptical. Understandably so. After all, your business plan opens with the following phrase: Who likes looking at some titties? Everyone. I don’t care who you are. And who likes chicken strips? Everyone, the answer remains.

But your economics degree from Harvard isn’t entirely worthless, even if you do mostly use it as a glass surface to snort cocaine off of. And as he continues reading his eyes will begin to light up.

He’ll see your carefully considered supply cost estimates, your growth projections. He’ll see that you’ve planned out every problem you could run in to, every direction this flailing economy could turn in. He’ll see that you’ve even thought of a backup plan where, if business doesn’t initially go well you’ll brew your own beer and grow the business to make it sustainable. After all, while Portland has no shortage of titty bars or breweries it has very few places that are both.

Within around fifteen minutes he’ll have the paperwork ready and you’ll have your loan safe and secure. For the first time in the last six years you’ll have a future.

This is going to be a huge success. We know we’ll be there. Congratulations on starting the restaurant. Also, could you make us a reservation? That place is going to be packed.