Congratulations on Vacuuming!

As the most successful hit man in the tri-state area you don’t have a lot of time for daily chores. Your work takes up most of your time, and when you aren’t traveling or murdering someone for money you’re trying to cobble together some semblance of a social life from the disparate collection of friends you gathered around yourself before you started to kill.

Which is why this weekend is going to be so odd. For most people it would be completely normal. Par for the course of their boring life. But for you it will be the climax of the one week of vacation you’ve opted to give yourself this year.

You’ll have done a lot. You managed to get coffee with an old flame, buy some new plants, strip, clean and reassemble all your guns and assemble some clips to save on time during the week. You even sat down one day and did nothing but read and order takeout. It was wonderful.

But what you’ve been looking forward to most of all is vacuuming your apartment. It’s kind of embarrassing, but you put a lot of effort into it, buying a nice expensive vacuum and getting as much of your shit off the floor as you could, practically, before you settled in and started your “business.”

It will go pretty well at first. You’ll fill up like two bags with shit because your apartment is so god damn messy, and you’ll constantly be throwing shit around. Which is why you won’t notice when you knock that box of nine mil hollowpoint on to the floor.

You’ll be on such a rush that you’ll just keep vacuuming with single minded ambition., You’ll feel great, the way you do when you focus on your murdering. Unfortunately this single minded focus won’t pay off as well in this case.

You’ll vacuum over one of the rounds and it will, sure enough, zip right out of the back of the machine and towards your dishwasher. From the dishwasher it will bounce into the fridge, and from the fridge it will bounce into your chest. Its a one in a million shot, we know, and the coroners will be talking for weeks about how awesome it is.

You, however, will be less impressed. You’ll mostly just be confused, to be honest, and frustrated that all of your cleaning efforts have been undone as you bleed out on your freshly vacuumed carpet. Your last thought will be “Well, there goes a whole week of vacation.” Then the darkness will take you.

Still, it looked pretty good there for a while. Congratulations on vacuuming!