The lines are drawn. Weapons have been assigned. Rules have been established and summarily thrown out. It’s time for you and your wife to settle things once and for all.
That crazy bitch thinks Enterprise was a good Star Trek show, and you can’t stand to hear her talk about how handsome Scott Bakula is. If she really loves that washed up fuck so much she can have him over your dead body.
And your wife can’t understand what you see in the classic Star Trek episodes. The acting, writing, and cinematography is terrible and some of the props were just taken from people’s kitchens! Great television this does not make.
The two of you will have decided that violence is the best possible way to solve this problem (you’re both cutting edge professional therapists, which is why you have ideas like this and fight with each other over Star Trek trivia) and that the best place for this violence is your home. We don’t pretend to understand your marriage, but apparently these techniques have worked for the last twelve years.
Tonight you’re going to try a new strategy. Well, new to you. Your wife’s been using it in bed for years. ZING! Anyhow, you’re going to put a dummy in your favorite hiding spot and get the fuck out of the house.
Your wife will be none the wiser, and she’ll proceed to beat the living shit out of the dummy, believing all the while that it is simply your unconscious body. Meanwhile you’ll go over to the apartment owned by your mistress, who really gets you, and watch Deep Space Nine DVDs while you eat thai food together.
It’ll actually be a pretty fun Friday night, and way more enjoyable than what you and your wife had planned. So congratulations on your stealthy retreat. We can really see both sides of this argument, by the way.
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