Congratulations on Buying Lube!

You and your girlfriend have been trying to have sex for a few weeks now, and its been a little bit dicey. Along with your tortured psychological histories which make intimacy a dodgy, at best, proposal for each of you you’ve also been having considerable friction issues.

It has sort of been a relief for the two of you, since the friction issues are an easy scapegoat for you to use to avoid discussing your real problems, like the fact that her uncle used to touch her or that your dad’s best friend video taped you masturbating when you were ten.

This is a real shame, since this discussion would be great for the both of you. You’d finally see that people who have had terrible, traumatic experiences can become beautiful, whole human beings. You’d stop feeling like your whole life is a lie designed to get you away from the horrors that made your youth into a waking nightmare from which there was no escape.

But since you’re both New Englanders you refuse to discuss feelings, yours or anyone else’s, on principle. So you’ll both cry a lot during sex and the chafing will get worse and she’ll eventually suggest lube.

You’ve never used lube in your fourteen years of sexual activity. You won’t even be sure where to buy it, but you won’t want to lose your girlfriend. She’s super nice and she has an amazing body to boot. So you’ll do some asking around and eventually find out that it can be purchased at any number of sex shops, as well as your local Walgreens.

You’ll want to avoid anyone who isn’t a pervert, so you’ll head to a nearby sex shop where a one eyed man with a partially paralyzed face will laugh at your “extra slick” selection. He’ll be masturbating as he rings you up, and the entire experience will be deeply unsettling.

But that generally disturbed feeling will disappear when you fall into your girlfriend’s arms with the lube. The lube will become a sort of placebo for the two of you, and just having it around will help you open up. Once you actually apply it to one another’s genitals it’ll start to do its thing and you’ll both be on cloud nine before you know it.

The walls separating you will collapse. For anywhere between fifteen and forty minutes the two of you will be one person, one fluid, continuous being. For the first time there will be no tears.

Afterwards the two of you will lay in one another’s arms and stare at the ceiling together, relishing your newfound sense of unity. Your sticky hands will be tangled in one another’s hair and you’ll feel a strange compulsion suddenly. You’ll turn to your love, kiss her cheek, and speak up.

“I’ve have something I need to tell you,” you’ll say, staring deep into her eyes.

They’ll be tinged with sadness, but they’ll be locked on yours right back. You won’t even see her lips move when she responds. “I do too, love.”

What comes next will be hard, but it will be worth it. Congratulations on buying lube. It is a fine product.