Congratulations Saxman!

Not to be confused with our previous Coltrane entry, we’re here to talk to James Parsons, an aspiring third grade musician who is going to blow into a saxophone for the first time today and HOLY SHIT.

Shit’s gonna go from zero to real in less than a second once your lips touch that reed, Jimmy-boy. Your teacher is going to slap his knee and say “daaaaamn!” Then he’ll offer you some reefer which has materialized simply because of how smooth you are. This would be less impressive if he wasn’t a sixty three year old white man from southern Nebraska.

He’ll call up a friend of his in the music biz, who he met through AA, and hold the receiver up as you blow into your horn again. His friend will be over in a few seconds and he’ll have the paperwork drawn up for a record deal in seconds.

You’ll be a little bit unsure about whether or not you should sign, as will your parents, but you’ve got nothin’ to worry about. Once your folks get down to the school your teach is going to offer them a drag off the J and ask you to do your thing. You’ll oblige and your parents will be on that contract before you can open up Hot Crossed Buns on their asses.

This will be the start of a long, profitable music career which will afford you a life of leisure and wealth. Assuming, of course, that the note you play each time is a D (the one where you hold down all the buttons). If you play a B (one of the ones where you don’t hold down all the buttons) your teacher will throw up all over you. An A (also one without all of the buttons) will cause him to shit uncontrollably until he dies from dehydration.

Your music is powerful, is all we’re saying, and we’d like you to use that power wisely. Use it to play a D. The D is debatably the best saxophone note, and certainly your teacher’s favorite. Play that D short and true so that it can resonate in our hearts, and before you know it they’ll all be slapping you on the back saying congratulations saxman!