Congratulations Biker Gang!

Monday’s Sexy Results prediction goes out to Mad Dog, One Eye, Gomez and Fauntelroy of San Quentin, California. Today you are going to become the most feared biker gang in all of the Bay area.

You’ve been well feared for some time now, but it’s not the kind of fear you’d like. It’s less the abject horror of people who truly know what you’re capable of and more the “avoiding eye contact because you believe this person to be mentally unstable” kind.

While this is deserved you’ve always wanted to be feared for your potential for violence. Most biker gangs can cause more than discomfort in their terrorize-ees, after all, and you’d rather not be laughed out of another biker gang convention, which is actually just a small subsection of the gay pride parade in your area.

This is why the group of you will take it upon yourselves to eradicate the group you perceive as the number two biker gang in the San Quentin zip/post: your local Shriners chapter.

You’ll burst into their lodge at 10:30 AM to catch two geriatric men drinking. You’ll proceed to restrain them both then rape them repeatedly before caving in their skulls with a pipe you found in the basement.

Then you’ll steal a keg and some of their tiny hats and flee the premises, secure in the knowledge that security camera footage and word of mouth will knowledge of what you just did around in due time.

The former is true; the latter not so much. On Wednesday the four of you will be arrested on charges of first degree murder, but there will not be a single material witness to the crime. Instead the case will rely entirely on security camera footage.

Interviews with locals will reveal that they believed you were a group of mentally unstable homeless homosexuals (also true!), and that they were not aware that you even owned motorcycles. This will lead to a strange trial, and a new set of precedents thanks to your heinously violent crime and the surprisingly thorough security system the Shriners recently had installed.

So congratulations Biker Gang! Enjoy the “notoriety” while it lasts, and remember: even if you don’t become famous as a group of violent sociopaths you’ll always have your historical footnote as a court precedent!