Congratulations on Avoiding Detection!

Friday nights are anal nights. You know it and your husband knows it. Its part of the dense, obtusely worded contract he made you sign when you entered into this marriage. You agreed to it because he was rich, and because you were willing to settle for comfort rather than happiness.

But come each Friday he takes that contract and waves it in your face. Sometimes he makes you stare at the verbage while he fucks you in the ass. It’s kinda weird.

He does it with great relish, knowing that you’re only there for his money but that he has you completely under his thumb anyway. If he can find you, that is!

That’s why you’ve decided to weasel out of it tonight. You can’t just tell him no. That would violate the contract and you’d end up losing all that sweet, sweet paper you’ve been giving up your black cherry for all this time. So you’re going to do what you do best: hide.

Normally you only hide from your problems, but the concept is the same really. You’ll scatter a few Realdolls, purchased with your husband’s excessive largesse, around the house as distractions and then climb into the laundry hamper, almost too excited to stay still.

You’ll sit there with sheets on your head for two hours before he even starts looking for you, but when he does the tension will get ratcheted up a notch. He’ll saunter through the halls, crooning out your name. He’ll say that its time for “me time.” You’ll hear the contract in his hand, occasionally brushing against his clothing. The crinkle of the paper will make you cringe each time you hear it.

He’ll keep up the search for four more hours, tromping back and forth calling out your name all the while. By the time it ends you’ll have pissed yourself a little bit, and you’ll wish that you’d prepared better for this. You’ll also deeply regret not having Tivoed Top Chef for that night.

But the Realdoll plan will have worked out fine and when you emerge from your hiding spot at 12:01 AM Saturday morning your husband will be asleep in your bed with his penis rammed inside a Realdoll. You’ll take a picture and consider how to go about blackmailing him as you saunter out the room, smiling, to check if Hulu's Top Chef channel has been updated yet.

Congratulations on Avoiding Detection!