Congratulations on Hitting Your Mark!

You’re a wildly successful actor who is totally gay, but so far in the closet that it borders on a national conspiracy. Every lover you’ve ever taken has been blindfolded and handled by someone else before and afterwards, and a massive quasi-religious organization has made it their very personal business to make sure your secret stays safe. We’re betting you’ve just guessed who you are.

Anyhow, you’ll be taking a break from your latest film, the sequel to a movie whose title rhymes with “Mop Bun,” to do some dramatic work in The Theater next month.

You’ve been playing to the camera for so long that it’ll be tough for you to think of how to behave on stage. After all, you’re used to static audiences and tightly controlled conditions ensuring that all your acting is flawless, but here there are so many other factors that can trip you up. There’s no time for a second take if someone messes up. Plus you have to remember all those words from those fucking plays.

It’ll be infuriating at first, as if your hellish personal life has intruded on what used to be your fun-filled escapist work. A single mistake could bring the whole performance crashing down, just as it has always been in your bedroom. One slip of the tongue, a moment’s thoughtlessness and bam, you’re done.

But as you work at it more and more it will begin to feel natural. Eventually you’ll start to long for it. The only thing you’ll have trouble with is hitting your stage mark.

You’re used to mugging the camera, but blocking for an audience is difficult for you. You worry that you’ll end up checking out some hot dude and accidentally popping a boner or walking to the wrong side of the stage in a moment of distraction, and this anxiety further distracts you.

It’ll be a rough few weeks, and because of the upcoming show you’ll be under a magnifying glass from the press. This means no sex with barely-legal boys until after opening night.

But after a little montage and some unprotected gay sex with an acting coach (congrats on your first open experience by the way!) you’ll be all set on your marks. You’ll also feel way better about being gay.

On opening night you’ll step on stage filled with acceptance for yourself, wondering if it wouldn’t just be best for you to tell the whole world your secret and be done with it. Living a lie is so exhausting.

You’ll decide, as you stroll out on cue, that tonight will be the night. After the show you’ll tell the world that you like boys. You’ll feel liberated before you’ve done it. You’ll hardly be able to wait.

Unfortunately as you step on your mark a forty pound sandbag will drop from the rafters and partially collapse your skull. The whole thing was arranged by the acting coach, who felt jilted after you refused to cuddle post-coitus.

After the accident you’ll be rushed to a hospital, where the most expensive doctors will stabilize you and manage to get you upgraded from “dying” to “in a coma.” We don’t know when you’ll wake up.

Still, congratulations on hitting your mark! Also, as an aside, if you held your lovers afterwards this sort of thing wouldn’t happen. Just be considerate. We know you’re a big deal and everything, but that’s no reason to be a dick.