Congratulations Horsefucker!

You’ve been trying to shake that nickname for years, but its been chasing you. You’ve left your home, your family, your best friend and the woman you love all to escape from that god damn nickname.

We’d go into how you got it but... Well, that’s a little private, and to be honest you know it pretty well. After all, you’re you. And most of the state of Washington knows it too.

But the population of Washington isn’t nearly as familiar with your efforts to lose the name. They’ve varied vastly, from writing an unsuccessful novel to murdering a street gang with a ball peen hammer. None of them have worked though.

Tomorrow you’re going to engage in your most ambitious attempt yet. You’re going to kidnap the King of Spain.

Juan Carlos is a sweet old dude, but you’ve got a few issues with him. For example his total disrespect for Hugo Chavez and his generally abrasive public manner. His support of shadowy, exploitative private businesses in South America doesn’t help either and, while the Wikipedia entry you used to research your job doesn’t say for sure one way or the other you’re almost positive that he supported the war in Iraq.

So you’re going to try and kidnap him. We won’t give away the how, when and wheres of it. That would make the Spanish Secret Service’s job way too easy. But we are going to let you know that its going to go horribly wrong.

Your gun will backfire after your pants are caught on a particularly treacherous fence and you break your leg falling around seven feet. Then Juan Carlos will spend fifteen minutes waiting with the ambulance for you while his sexy assistant performs basic first aid for you. You will become awkwardly aroused and she’ll see your incredibly bent penis.

Worst of all, though, you’ll still be best known for fucking that horse. The title “that horsefucker” will just be amended now to “that horsefucker who totally botched kidnapping the King of Spain and blew off his own hand before he embarrassed himself in front of that hot Spanish chick.”

On the upside the King of Spain needs a PR boost badly so he’ll keep you around to show he’s got a softer side. Granted, he’ll mostly be using you as a human footstool, but he’ll never refer to you as a horsefucker at public functions. Just in private, and in all of his memos.

Anyhow, congratulations horsefucker. And remember, bad as life is right now, it could be and likely will be much much worse in the future.