Congratulations on Living Your Life The Way Caddyshack Taught You!

Your parents weren’t around much when you were young. As a child of “the naughties” your parents were pretty much guaranteed to be negligent and once you were old enough to pee on your own they pretty much raised you and blamed all your defects on television.

Mostly this has resulted in a lot of resentment towards USA, who you now perceive as your father, and TNN, who you see as your mother. It’s also led to you seeing Bill Murray as a sort of wise, humorous uncle who showed up almost at random and whose wisdom can always be trusted. As such you treat every film that he’s been in as a delicate nugget of gold to be treasured and learned from.

Caddyshack was a particularly rich vein of life lessons. You pretty much disregarded what every character except Bill Murray had to say about life. As such you don’t see Zen philosophy or being an outgoing, humorous fellow who’s normally marginalized by women because of his appearance but has a lot of heart as being key to personal success. Instead you think the key to being a worthwhile human being lies in a mindless pursuit of revenge through violence.

You’ve done okay with it so far. Most of the people who made fun of you in high school have encountered a variety of ice fishing accidents. The few who escaped those have since been killed when you lit fire to their homes and murdered their children with a golf club.

Recently, however, you’ve come under scrutiny for your actions. It’s hardly surprisingly (you’re minority whip) but its still a bit of a shock to the system to have to deal with the attention you’ve always actively avoided.

Lucky for you there’s a little station called Fox News. And there you’ll be able to use all the skills that Caddyshack has taught you to impressive effect.

You’ll act folksie and mildly retarded to amusement of the half dozen correspondents who interview you on the hilariously named “Fox and Friends.” After outsmarting them you’ll move on to the O’Reilly Factor, where you’ll be perceived as a straight shooting maverick with a heart of hold who’s hoisted himself up from nothing. You’ll attain this image by barely being able to form a cogent sentence but still offering a (by Fox standards) understandable political viewpoint which coincides with their perceived topography of American politics today.

After that it’ll be a short step to senator-ship and then, onward to the White House. And it’s all because you learned to live by solving your problems with dynamite, gasoline and free candy bars.

Congratulations on Living Your Life The Way Caddyshack Taught You!