Congratulations on Starting the Worst Business Ever!

You sort of embody the term entrepreneur. You live your life as a veritable font of ideas, ever flowing. Some of them are a little bit too modern, like your “doggy fuck swing” or your controversial home abortion kit. But your line of anus specific lubricants (which you’ve aptly named lubriCANs AH HA HA HA!) and your extra-shattery beer bottle ideas have both been pretty big successes. Every once in a while you have a great day where everything seems to come together and all of your zany ideas just click.

Today’s not going to be one of those days. Today you’re going to purchase a small office space and set up some cheap cubicles. You’ll put out some ads in the local paper and acquire a small army of temps by driving around in a pickup truck and offering young men in hoodies and jeans healthcare.

After a thirty minute orientation they’ll be trained and on the phones and you’ll think that your new business is about to take off. The first ever call center catering to clients who want to hear young men pretending to be women while simulating phone sex will be open for business.

After two hours the only calls you’ll get will come from lonely old men who wanted companionship for the night and just wanted someone to talk to and some angry closeted homosexuals who wanted to feign surprise that they were masturbating to a dude talking them off. You expected this, but the volume of calls won’t be nearly high enough and you won’t be able to keep all your temps on.

That will in turn lead to a small temp rebellion which will almost take your life. You’ll have to scatter candy across the floor in order to distract them while you leap out of the window to relative safety and drive away.

You’ll be out $200,000 and you’ll really deserve to be in this case. This whole operation was a terrible idea and you should’ve known better. It was your line of cat eveningwear all over again. Oh well. Sometimes we need to relearn our lessons.

Congratulations on Starting the Worst Business Ever!