Congratulations on Reconnecting with Your Estranged Daughter!

You’re doing okay nowadays, but that wasn’t always the case. Time was you lived in an empty lot with a meth addicted hag named Kara. Kara had lost her virginity at the age of 11 and she’d continued aging at a tragically rapid pace. By the age of 16 she was pregnant and dealing with the shakes because you were too poor to score for her and too much of a dick to share your stash.

So she left you. But not before you delivered her child, who was most assuredly yours. It was pretty old school, and your time making meth helped you improvise a lot of solutions to problems that would’ve stumped straight edge potential dads. Household products were transformed into medical supplies in your hands and your success during the delivery was a big part of what got you back in to med school.

Unfortunately you didn’t clean up and get on that track for a while, so instead of falling into your role as a father you sold the child to an adoption agency and used the money to buy a bike and some more drugs. Kara was pissed until you gave her some drugs to calm her down. They did their job for around three straight days until she ODed and put you on your last bender.

It’s been around eighteen years since then and life has been kind to you. You’re forty now and riding high with a successful OBGYN practice. But in a week’s time all that’s going to change at this year’s ASCO conference in Godless Atlanta.

You’ll attend ASCO, as all doctors do, in order to acquire a lasting supply of shitty key chains and pens. Even though you don’t use any of the products there and aren’t particularly interested in any of them you’ll still head down there to hobnob and pick up things you’ve got no need for. It’s also the only chance you get to chill out with your best buddy from meth addiction and med school, the current president of Phizer.

You’ll be eating dinner at Chili’s, the classiest restaurant available in the area immediately surrounding the convention center, when an attractive young woman comes up to say hello to the two of you. At first you’ll assume that she’s a prostitute, but she’ll seem familiar. That wouldn’t be odd spare the fact that you normally avoid whores in Georgia for a number of reasons. Also, unlike most whores who hang out in Chili’s, she won’t immediately quote you a price.

Eventually you’ll get to talking with her about where she’s from and where she grew up and you’ll discover that she used to live in the same part of L.A. where you spent most of your youth strung out.

She’ll seem entirely enchanting to you, so you’ll barely notice when she murders your friend by placing something in his drink. You’ll be alarmed but she’ll gush to you, visibly shaken that she is doing so, about her training as an assassin throughout her orphanhood and her strange pride in her work. She’ll also apologize that she’s going to have to kill you.

You’ll miss that last part because the whole orphan thing will totally floor you. You’ll ask her if she grew up in the orphanage you dropped your baby into and she’ll nod, tentatively. Then the two of you will hug for a little bit too long and you won’t be murdered.

We’re not sure if the two of you will interact aside from that, since you’re emotionally incapable of managing a family and she’s a professional killer. She’s also kind of angry at you for giving her up for adoption and you’re a little jealous of how easily success has come for her. But whatever the two of you do, it’s good that you met. It’s better this way, knowing that she didn’t turn out like her mom. Or like you, for that matter.

It’s the best you could’ve hoped for.

Congratulations on Reconnecting with Your Estranged Daughter!