Congratulations on Clearing the Check!

The economy is sort of a universal excuse for anything that goes wrong in your life. In your case, it simply isn’t true. You had a fairly successful career in a service industry and there was no reason for it all to go to shitsville. No reason except for the gambling problems which have left your bank account a smoking ruin.

This whole economy thing was just a really good excuse so you could still get women to sleep with you despite your poverty. And it’s been working pretty well, thanks to your surprisingly reasonable loan sharks and understanding employers.

But you’re sort of unbearable and in order to sleep with women you often find yourself paying bills for them so that they’ll give you various sexual favors. And even with your current financial situation you hate to appear weak, so you do all you can to look fiscally solvent despite your destitution.

So when Carey, the young medical student you’ve been receiving occasional oral sex from, asks if you can help her pay her cable this month in exchange for getting into her snatch you’ll all but jump for joy. You’ll cut her that $140 check right away to make sure she doesn’t miss a single episode of True Blood and won’t even think of it clearing until you’re back at your house, making pasta with butter.

You’ll be so upset that you’ll burn yourself a little when you realize what you’ve done and rush out the door, clutching your checkbook tight as you speed towards the nearest U.S. Bank location. Once there you’ll loudly demand to speak to a manager, to the bafflement of the bank staff. But this isn’t your first time at the rodeo and you know what you’re going to need to do if you want that check to clear.

It won’t be long before you’re back in the manager’s smoke filled office. He’ll have a lit cigar sitting in an ashtray and a snifter of brandy in front of him. You’ll be wearing your “Why Yes I Do Work Out” t-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans as you stand in front of him explaining your situation.

When you finish he’ll nod, then stand and unzip his pants. You’ll drop to your knees immediately and enthusiastically fellate him until he orgasms, whereupon you’ll vomit all over his office. After you clean up he’ll put in the good word and the check will clear without any fees. You’ll be all set to sleep with Carey, who, spoiler alert, will break down crying before you do the deed and tell you some bullshit story about her dad to get you the fuck out of her house before she sits down to watch another episode of True Blood.

Congratulations on Clearing the Check!