Congratulations on Meeting Your Wife!

You never really experienced financial solvency before prison, but as a non-smoker you found that you had no trouble scrimping and saving without the constant temptation of whores and Thai food. Outside you were lucky if you could make rent in a given month, but here you’re a god damn banker. You’re a king.

You transferred that capital into a large full-back tattoo from the best artist in the county (he was on Miami Ink for a while!) depicting a montage of your favorite characters and moments from Star Wars. Anyone looking at you would clearly know that you were a member of the Rebel Alliance which, coincidentally, was the name of your power faction in prison.

All of that will change next week when white supremacists take over your prison. They’ll kill your gang leader for refusing to blow them and, in the ensuing conflict you’ll end up being severely beaten. This will keep you from the worst of the inevitable escalation as most of your old buddies are firebombed in their sleep or raped, but it won’t be pleasant by any stretch. You’ll be under constant surveillance as they plan to transfer you to another facility. The only kindness you’ll find will come from your male nurse and an attractive young attorney working to have your sentence overturned.

She’s one of those young, pretty idealistic lawyers who doesn’t believe that the current “rape party” prison system is the best way to reform our society. She also will be a huge nerd, so when she visits you one night to make sure you aren’t murdered by a corrupt guard in order to send a message to anyone in the joint who was still thinking that “we could all just get along” and that “Star Wars was better than Star Trek” and sees your back tattoo she’ll be immediately intrigued.

“So, what’s up with the tattoo?” she’ll ask, chewing on the end of a pen while she stares at a wall in the interview room.

You’ll shrug. After a moment’s pensive thought you’ll respond. “Star Wars is the greatest narrative of our time. It encompasses every part of the hero’s journey and subverts some of the aspects in intriguing ways while telling a story both familiarly epic and strangely touching and filled with new and invigorating characters.”

It’ll be the most you’ve said in the last few months and she’ll respond accordingly. She’ll nod at the guards behind the two way mirror, which is code that she wants privacy so she can beat you with a phone book. They’ll turn off the cameras and, to the best of your knowledge, leave.

After a few seconds of waiting she’ll drag a chair over next to yours and sit, legs wide like a man. She’ll stare into your face, reading you, measuring you, an active version of the interaction the two of you will have shared daily for weeks by now. When she’s satisfied she’ll hurl the chair to the side and begin kissing you passionately.

Before you really know what’s going on you’ll be cuffed to a chair and both of you won’t have pants and you’ll be inside her for a few glorious minutes.

As the two of you slowly convalesce from the first sex that either of you have had in years she’ll hold you against her breasts and you’ll notice for the first time that she has some ink of her own. An emblem of the Rebel Alliance will sit above her right breast, just below her collarbone, mirrored by an Imperial insignia above her left. You’ll look up into her eyes and it’ll be like Han and Leia.

With the strength of your love guiding you you’ll be out of prison in around a month and in her apartment a few hours after that, pinned to the floor by her surprising strength. It’ll only be a matter of time from there before the two of you start to raise some Padawans of your own.

Congratulations on Meeting Your Wife!