You and your wife love hanging out in the Sonoma Valley whenever you can, touring wineries and generally acting like pretentious dipshits. But occasionally it gets a little uppity, like when you insult someone of color and get your ass kicked by someone who’s spent most of his life cleaning pools or when you drink some wine that isn’t as amazing as some other wine you’ve had.
Life is hard for you sometimes is what we’re saying. And that’s why the two of you occasionally take time to frequently brothels filled with weeping fresh out of the container Asian prostitutes.
It’s not hard to find them in Sonoma. In fact, aside from the area surrounding Vancouver and Seattle it has the largest concentration of terrified Asian prostitutes per capita in the continental United States. It would be perfect if it wasn’t for all those god damn celebrities who were turned on to the area by Sideways.
Celebrities can’t let an average working management level employee at a prominent American investment banking firm just kick back and have a good time, oh no no no. They’ve got to come in and start preaching morality, telling you that it’s wrong to jack off on a terrified young woman’s face while your wife lazily masturbates as she watches.
It’s lead to surprisingly few arrests considering how illegal the entire thing is, but the police hate being told what to do by celebrities and love their whores as much as anyone, so for every arrest Bono has had his retarded face bashed in.
But lately celebrities who aren’t asinine douches have started to speak out against the reprehensible shit that you spend your time engaging in. And one of these celebrities is going to burst in on you as you awkward thrust your penis at a horrified young woman’s mouth, shooshing gently and telling her it’s okay.
Sandra Oh’s presence will fill the room instantly, her assertiveness making your erection vanish as quickly as it does in the presence of a willing woman. You’ll immediately forget about the underprivileged illegal you were attempting to rape and clasp your hands together.
“Oh god!” you’ll cry, looking around for something for her to sign. “I’m such a fan!”
Sandra Oh will look at you like you’re retarded and then hit you in the face with a motorcycle helmet, just like she does in Sideways. You’ll lose consciousness after the first hit, but just so you know she won’t stop for about five minutes.
You’re going to need a lot of surgery and your wife is finally going to come to terms with her lesbianism and start pursuing women without telling you. She’ll also stop attending your Asian whore/vineyard vacations so that she can hold on to some scraps of her sanity.
And while you won’t have Sandra Oh’s autograph you will have steel wiring your jaw together courtesy of her violent social activism. And isn’t that really just as good?
Congratulations on Meeting Sandra Oh!
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