Congratulations on Bringing Back the Term Chinaman!

You’re a grandpa. Not the world’s greatest, despite what your sweaters and mugs might read, but an okay one. You remember birthdays well enough to mail checks on time and remember World War II well enough to tell stories about it, even though you were seven so most of your stories are less about battlefield heroics and more about throwing shit at Asian kids.

But lately you’ve been losing your hold on your grandkids. They’re getting older and smarter and you’re getting slower and increasingly cantankerous with age. Unlike most of the elderly your rage is levied less at homosexuals and black people and more at Asians. You’re infuriated that they had their own playground when you were younger where white people couldn’t go and where they got to stay and play all the time.

As a result you refuse to ride in Asian cars or eat Asian food. You refuse to fuck Asian whores and only speak to Asian women with the back of your hand. It makes spending time with your other irascible buddies kind of tough, especially the ones who went through the Korean war. And since the favorite film of your somewhat retarded grandkids is Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift it’s also put a wall up in helping you bond with them.

All these cultural barriers might encourage another man to become even slightly less racist. But not you. You think you’re just fine and really, who’s to say you aren’t? You fought for your country in the first American Gladiators and marched with the gays at Stonewall. Aside from your almost crippling prejudice towards Asian people, you’re almost a paragon of humanity.

So tonight, using the internet that you heard about recently from one of your less retarded grandkids, you’re going to start a website about your feelings on Asians. You’re not going to call for any sort of violent action, or even any sort of general discrimination. You’re not a barbarian, you just fly into an irrational rage when you’re offered udon soup, and you’re willing to compromise.

This website will, in wonderfully flowing language, outline your case for bringing back the word Chinaman into the modern vernacular so that you can use it without being ostracized and vent your racism a little bit in daily conversation. Your case will sway the hearts of many a red-state senator and blue state senators all seem to lack the sack to say no to old dudes who used to be on American Gladiators so it won’t be long before a constitutional amendment emerges stating that anyone who wants to can use the term Chinaman without fear of being refused service in any business establishment or whorehouse. You’ll also be able to use it in movie theaters and car dealerships, but not within 300 feet of railroads or in ad copy, with special dispensation granted in exceptional cases.

You will be able to die happy in three years when a young Asian woman you blinded with mace shoots you in the chest twice at point blank range, knowing that you’ve protected this basic American freedom for generations to come and that maybe you aren’t quite as crazy as your grandkids think.

Congratulations on Bringing Back the Term Chinaman!