Congratulations on Matching Your Socks!

It’s days like this you wish you were a regular person with a regular life. Normal people don’t have to deal with their mothers being taken hostage by crazy men who hold guns to their heads and ask them trivia questions while a Fox crew films for an upcoming game show. Normal people don’t get stones thrown at them in the street because people “think they’re Venom.”

Of course, normal people also have more trouble in bars than you, because normal people don’t look just like Topher Grace.

As a Topher Grace body double you’re subject to remarkable scrutiny. You’re expected to monitor his every action and act accordingly. If he puts out an eye tomorrow and replaces it with a piece of glass, well, you partially blind yourself with a steak knife and ram a baby blue marble in that hole. At least that’s what you do if you want to keep your sweet, easy paycheck.

Today’s nothing like that, or the aforementioned mom fiasco of yesteryear (Fox abandoned the concept of the show after realizing that people probably wouldn’t tune in to watch the middle aged mothers of body doubles being questioned at gunpoint and then “snuffed” on camera, even if they did show the children their mother’s fake executions and video tape their reaction). It’s not even as bad as the time you had to defuse that suitcase bomb because Topher Grace had to shoot a scene that day.

Today you’ve just got to find a matching pair of socks which look reasonably similar to the ones Topher Grace is wearing on The View.

You’ll begin your day by ramming a seven inch steak knife into the neck of a security guard outside of Grace’s home. You’ll lay him down gently as he struggles, taking great care not to get blood on anything other than your plastic raincoat. Then step over his body and into Grace’s home where his Mexican housekeeper, Liselle, will greet you with great enthusiasm.

She finds your hard work and ambition appealing, and after a long day of taking care of Mr. Grace and his sometimes excessive needs she often fantasizes about you killing him and taking his identity so that the two of you could drive bumper cars instead of living beneath the thumb of a man best known for playing opposite Ashton Kucher.

Liselle will help you go through Mr. Grace’s sock drawer and find an appropriate pair of socks which match the ones Liselle placed on his feet this morning. Then she’ll put your cheek and insist of making you a cup of coffee before you go out on to the town to do what you do best: look like a C-list celebrity.

Congratulations on Matching Your Socks!