Congratulations on Doing the Time!

We told you not to spend it all in one place. Didn’t we tell you? These aren’t the sort of people you can just fuck in the ass and expect to forget about it. These fuckers are out for blood. They’re relentless animals who don’t value life in the slightest. They’re Chuck-E-Cheese, mother fucker.

After your disregarded our advice and traded all of your tickets for a bunch of boomboxes you could sell at area pawn shops it was only a matter of time. You just got lucky and the cops saw you first at a gas station, your vehicle filled with children’s boom boxes. He checked your priors and determined you were a suspect for robbing a Chuck-E-Cheese several months ago. It wasn’t the crime you committed, although it was quite similar, but that didn’t matter to him. He just beat you with a phone book until you signed a confession and carted you off to court.

The judge couldn’t stop laughing long enough to rap his gavel during your hearing. When his “Guilty” finally came out it was choked with laughter and derision. He could barely finish the sentence he was laughing so hard. The only upside is that because you committed such absurdly stupid crime he decided to go easy on you and give you the minimum sentence.

The next three years of your life begin today.

On your first day in prison you’ll be escorted by two guards to your cell, which is a lot bigger than you expected it to be. Your cellmate will be a businessman named Bernard, and he’ll seem really nice. That is, until the lights go off and he sexually assaults you. You’ll be in good shape, though, so you’ll fend him off and at the end of the exchange he’ll seem more sad than anything else.

When you try to bring it up during exercise the next day he’ll just try to shank you in lieu of conversation. You’ll strip him of his weapon but the two of you will be injured enough in the altercation that you’ll both end up at the infirmary and Bernie will be transferred to another ward where he can be kept in isolation until he stops trying to fuck people in the ass.

Your new cellmate will arrive the next day. He’ll be a large black man named China-Bitch, and he’ll be surprisingly affable. He won’t try to rape you or anything. The two of you will get along so well that you’ll form a multiracial group called the “Rainbow Coalition” and reform the economic infrastructure of your prison from a rape based economy to one based around the trade of arts and crafts. This will be accomplished through a combination of your genius scheming and China-Bitch’s staggering capacity for violence.

Before you know it your three years will be up and your friends will be waving goodbye to you from the gates, but you’ll always remember China-Bitch and your other prison buddies fondly. They taught you so many lessons, like how to avoid being raped and how to love yourself.

Congratulations on Doing the Time!