Congratulations on Moving Up In the World!

You’re spent a lot of time playing second fiddle to “the man.” “The man,” in this case, is your dad, Peter Treig, computer repair guru of Flint, Michigan. In this context, computer repair means he lies to the elderly and occasionally installs anti-virus software on your computer if you ask really nicely. He’ll then charge you several hundred dollars for the trouble.

You’re grateful to your dad, certainly. He gave you a job out of high school and a garage to sleep in. But he’s a huge asshole and you’re a bit sick of his shit. Which is why, in an elaborate scheme to improve your lot in life, you’re going to murder him with a golf club this evening.

You’ll set your plan into motion by calling him in a falsetto voice. He’s a terrible father and a shittier listener so he won’t recognize your voice, even though you’re terrible at masking it. He’ll just write down the address and tell you that he’ll be there in a few hours.

You’ll wait inside the condemned house, largely indistinguishable from other parts of flint, until he arrives. Then you, wearing a wig, will guide him through the house until you reach an empty computer case. He won’t seem to notice you’re a man in the worst drag imaginable or that you’re his son, despite your voice breaking occasionally and one of the grapefruit tits you made slipping out and falling to the floor during your tour of the house. When you reach the computer room you’ll tell him to look inside the case and then, when he says he doesn’t see anything you’ll say, in your normal “I know.”

Then you’ll beat him with a golf club for fourteen minutes until you’re relatively certain he’s dead. You’ll torch the clothes you were wearing and drive out to the shore to dump his body before splashing whiskey all over yourself and driving home to your waiting mother.

She’ll be totally unsurprised at your apparent drunkness when you enter her home, but then again she won’t seem too surprised when your dad doesn’t show up that night. She won’t even seem surprised in three weeks when they find his body and the issue of his estate is finally resolved with the confirmation of his death. They’ll determine that a disgruntled patron must’ve beaten him to death in a fit of rage, a totally believable scenario for anyone who knew your father.

The only shock will come when his will is read and you aren’t given the company. Instead it’ll go to his considerably nicer assistant, who he always wanted to boost. The assistant will treat you with kindness and respect and turn the computer repair business into something legitimate and worth being a part of. So even though you won’t be “fuck you” rich the way you thought you’d be you’ll still make enough money to move out of your parent’s garage and start improving your life in general terms.

We just hope you don’t try to kill again, since your dad’s assistant is a super nice dude and he really doesn’t have it coming. Also, you have no idea how to manage a company and you’re way better off this way.

Congratulations on Moving Up In the World!