Congratulations Fed!

You’re a young up and coming FBI agent with nothing to lose and everything to prove. Ever since your dad was killed by a ghost during your childhood during a home invasion gone wrong you’ve dedicated your career to cleaning up the streets and removing the profound threat that is specters in America.

But the fat cats who run the FBI haven’t been listening. Whenever you tell them about the dangers posed by spooks they just laugh it off and assign you to some low-level investigation of a murder that involved crossing state lines or some securities fraud that cost millions of people their jobs. But you’ve been doing so well lately that today they’re going to let you do your thing. You’re going to get a sassy, attractive female partner and you’re going to set out to the heart of the Chicago Public Library to investigate a series of mysterious events that have been troubling local authorities for months now.

People who read books about Elliot Gould or really any subject other than the White Sox have been getting beaten with bats pretty badly in the basement of the library. And while no one has died or been permanently injured covering up these incidences has become a thorn in the side of the city. So they’ll welcome you and your lady-partner with open arms, describing the kind of bat used in the incidents and the pattern of bruising, which will be consistent across all cases.

You’ll take careful notes the whole while, occasionally looking in a book about Al Capone to confirm your suspicions. Then, after a lengthy period of pen chewing and jotting things in margins you’ll get up from your desk, grab your partner and head to the library with your home-made ghost busting equipment.

It’ll mostly consist of jury rigged lasers powered by car batteries and a reinforced shoe-box covered in crucifixes, but you’re almost positive that, at least against Catholic ghosts, it should do the trick just fine. You’re also almost positive that the power pack for the laser back-pack won’t explode during use. All it did during testing was badly burn anyone who touched the un-insulated parts of it, after all.

When you arrive at the library you’ll wait patiently for the spook to appear, leaving a copy of The Untouchables VHS tape out on a table in the basement and hiding in a corner where you assume the ghost won’t notice you. After hours of patience and ignoring your partner’s sighs and her lamenting sleeping with her last partner you’ll finally be rewarded when an overweight, syphilitic ghost appears clutching a baseball bat. He’ll stare at the video cassette with rage in his eyes, completely oblivious to the tragedy inherent in the tape’s very existence.

Smiling at his foolishness you’ll step from the shadows with your laser back-pack on and point the emitter right at the ghoul.

“Mister Capone?” you’ll say. The ghost will look at you, baffled.

“Huh?” he’ll say.

“You’re under arrest!” you’ll shout, firing off a laser light show worthy of early Pink Floyd. Capone will be dazed by the lights, mostly because you’ll be shining them right in his face, and he’ll be driven back into the carefully placed shoe-box covered in crucifixes. When he touches the boxes he’ll begin to dissolve, releasing an unearthly moan that will chill you to the very bone and make your teeth hurt a little.

But it will only last a few moments. Then Capone’s form will be gone, his moaning face burned into the shoe box. Your partner will stand up, amazed at what she has witnessed, and when the two of you report back to FBI head-quarters her testimony will insure that you finally get the funding and recognition you deserve.

Things will be looking up for you, as long as you avoid sleeping with your new partner, which is probably going to be surprisingly hard.

Congratulations Fed!

Congratulations on Living Your Life The Way Caddyshack Taught You!

Your parents weren’t around much when you were young. As a child of “the naughties” your parents were pretty much guaranteed to be negligent and once you were old enough to pee on your own they pretty much raised you and blamed all your defects on television.

Mostly this has resulted in a lot of resentment towards USA, who you now perceive as your father, and TNN, who you see as your mother. It’s also led to you seeing Bill Murray as a sort of wise, humorous uncle who showed up almost at random and whose wisdom can always be trusted. As such you treat every film that he’s been in as a delicate nugget of gold to be treasured and learned from.

Caddyshack was a particularly rich vein of life lessons. You pretty much disregarded what every character except Bill Murray had to say about life. As such you don’t see Zen philosophy or being an outgoing, humorous fellow who’s normally marginalized by women because of his appearance but has a lot of heart as being key to personal success. Instead you think the key to being a worthwhile human being lies in a mindless pursuit of revenge through violence.

You’ve done okay with it so far. Most of the people who made fun of you in high school have encountered a variety of ice fishing accidents. The few who escaped those have since been killed when you lit fire to their homes and murdered their children with a golf club.

Recently, however, you’ve come under scrutiny for your actions. It’s hardly surprisingly (you’re minority whip) but its still a bit of a shock to the system to have to deal with the attention you’ve always actively avoided.

Lucky for you there’s a little station called Fox News. And there you’ll be able to use all the skills that Caddyshack has taught you to impressive effect.

You’ll act folksie and mildly retarded to amusement of the half dozen correspondents who interview you on the hilariously named “Fox and Friends.” After outsmarting them you’ll move on to the O’Reilly Factor, where you’ll be perceived as a straight shooting maverick with a heart of hold who’s hoisted himself up from nothing. You’ll attain this image by barely being able to form a cogent sentence but still offering a (by Fox standards) understandable political viewpoint which coincides with their perceived topography of American politics today.

After that it’ll be a short step to senator-ship and then, onward to the White House. And it’s all because you learned to live by solving your problems with dynamite, gasoline and free candy bars.

Congratulations on Living Your Life The Way Caddyshack Taught You!